Folks, I think I’m on to something.  Powdered Gatorade is something I cannot, apparently buy out here, but nasty CountryTime Lemonade, mixed at half-strength gives the same not-too-sweet effect.  I drank over 100 oz of fluids yesterday.

And there was no spotting.

I’m feeling hopeful that maybe – just maybe – I can keep this under control with ultra-hydration.  I mean, I guess it makes sense, and if this isn’t incentive for keeping my fluid levels up, I don’t know what is.

The Boy has started calling me Lady Pissalot.  Laugh it up, guy.  You aint seen nothing yet.

**

In other exciting, TMI news, the Blech is here pretty much up until the evening, now.  When I’m busy I can ignore it, sort of, except for the early afternoon, when I’m sort of a useless, moaning wretch.  No vomiting, but then again, I think the last time I actually vomited I was about 12 years old.  I’d be one of those people to die of food poisoning because I hate to yech so much.  And bulimia?  I can understand not eating (ok, not really, you know me!) but I’d rather weigh 400 pounds than force myself to yech.

Anyway, I’m feeling sick, but I’m still functional.  And I don’t mind feeling sick.  I figure sick = pregnant, and that’s a good thing.  I’m just grateful that I seem to have inherited my mother’s easy-pregnancy genes.  I realize this could be much more debilitating than it is, so I am grateful I’m getting off easy (but not so easy that I’d be worried!)

I’m back to the Realm of Pain today, armed with candied ginger and lemonade mix.  Hoping for a not-too-stressful day, but not really planning on it – our first day open in 3 months, I’m thinking it’s going to be sort of nightmarish.

Ugh.

1.  Had a good, sleepy day yesterday despite the ever-increasing nausea, and it really made me grateful that I’m not suffering more this first trimester.  Yes, I feel blechy, but I can usually distract myself.  But if I were as sick all the time as I felt at times yesterday – times when I had nothing to do but nap – I’d be completely disfunctional.  Thanks, Mom, for your good pregnancy genes – I’m totally getting off easy!

2.  Blue jay outside my window.  Haven’t seen them in months!

3.  I made pumpkin bread yesterday (sorry, stepdaughter.  Beets just sounded too, well, red.)  It was a mess, but totally delicious.  In fact, I’m nibbling on a piece right now.

4.  Only two days til my next ultrasound.

5.  I broke out the birth sampler that I started a couple of years ago.  I worked on it – briefly, too briefly – during my most recent pregnancy, having decided that it would be appropriate to give it to Sprog, even though it was originally intended for one of Sprog’s siblings.  Yesterday I got it out, and started working on it again, and it felt really good to do so, like I was affirming something for all of us.  Like I believe this is going to hang on the wall of a nursery one day.

So, I’ve been thinking about this goddamned spotting.  In no particular order, here’s all the salient points to reassure myself that I’ve come up with:

• My mom bled through her first trimester with both me & my little brother.
• I’ve had blood in my kleenex every time I blow my prednisone-stuffy nose from the day after transfer.  My mucosa membranes are obviously fucked up.
• Carrying twins makes bleeding much more likely according to everything I’ve read or heard.
• IVF makes bleeding much more likely.
• I’ve only had a couple of spots of fresh blood.  Most of it is old, and according to Dr. Google, “nothing to worry about”.
• I really haven’t had any cramping since week 6.
• The nausea is unmistakeable and growing more pronounced.
• The boobage is threatening to take over my entire front.  Internets, I’m stacked.
• I never bled with any of my previous miscarriages.  At the time, I hated that fact, it just seemed doubly cruel that I simply didn’t know.  Now I’m finding comfort in it.  Bleeding or not-bleeding apparently means something different to my body than to others’.
• I did have a MUCH fluffier uterine lining than I’ve ever managed to pull off before.  As witnessed by the fact that both sprogs managed to implant – something we’ve never managed, even when transferring 3+.
• I’ve been under some wicked stress – both physical & mental – in the last week & a half.  Thanks, Realm of Pain.   You suck!

But it’s this last one that I think just might be telling:

• I’ve been feeling sick enough in the afternoons & evenings that drinking my full allotment of water has taken second place to not-vomiting in my list of daily priorities.  I did run across a couple of references to dehydration making people more prone to spotting.  Which might make sense.  This started while we were traveling, when I certainly wasn’t drinking as much as I ought, and this last week, I’ve been feeling so green in the afternoons that I know I haven’t been drinking enough.  I mean, I’m still probably drinking more than I usually do, but not enough so that I don’t always feel thirsty.

So.

My solution?  I’m going to make a real effort to get more fluids into me in the next couple of days.  Buy some gatorade powder – a trick I used when I was working outside a lot – and dose my water enough to make it not taste like water, but not enough to be sweet (I really don’t like sweet drinks).  Maybe buy a bunch of limes.

And keep track.

This is obviously just an excuse to make a new Excel chart in order to distract myself.  And I’m ok with that…

1.  I was in my bed for close to 11 hours last night.  Not sleeping for all of them, there’s still that 3am-5am block of time to get through wide awake, but hey!  9 hours of sleep?  Even broken up here & there?  Happy, happy sprogblogger.

2.  The epic snowstorm we were hoping for told to expect never materialized, which was slightly disappointing, but I’ve decided to be pleased by the fact that the sidewalks are all clear, and it’s a bright, cold day out there today.  Might be a day for walking down to the harbor and looking at ships.  Or just staying indoors and thinking about walking down to the harbor & looking at ships.

3.  My Lovenox bruises seem to be fading.  I think this is a good thing.  I hope it is, anyway.  It’s sure easier to find a new spot to inject when half my belly isn’t black & blue…

4.  I have a plan to deal with the spotting.  Plans make me happy, or at least, they soothe me.  And I’m in desperate need of some soothing on this issue.

5.  If I can keep the nausea away long enough to contemplate it, I’m actually going to bake the beet cake today.  I’m anticipating much mess, and a rather lackluster result, but hey – anything to bond with the stepdaughter.  She wants a beet cake, I’m gonna learn to make her a beet cake…  And, hey, I could certainly use some baking zen these days, even if the end result is nothing I want to sample.

Neil Gaiman is one of those authors who both gets too much and not enough credit for genius.  I’m not a huge comics fan, and that’s certainly where he’s made his name.  But I AM a huge fan of short stories, and when this man is on, he’s really on.  ”The Price”, and “The Wedding Present” are two of the best examples of fictional works examining the nature of love that I’ve ever read.

The Blueberry Girl - a poem he wrote for his daughter, that was turned into a children’s book by the amazing illustrator Charles Vess – is another.

Since Sprog is the size of a blueberry this week, I thought it fitting to post this, and to encourage everyone to go have a look at this amazing children’s book.  I’ve given it almost exclusively at showers for baby girls for a couple of years now, and it will be read often whether Sprog dangles or dimples.  The sentiments are just too beautiful and the paintings too perfect for the hopes we have for any child.

Ladies of light and ladies of darkness and ladies of never-you-mind,
This is a prayer for a blueberry girl.
First, may you ladies be kind.
Keep her from spindles and sleeps at sixteen.
Let her stay waking and wise.
Nightmares at three or bad husbands at thirty, these will not trouble her eyes.
Dull days at forty, false friends at fifteen – let her have brave days and truth,
Let her go places that we’ve never been, trust and delight in her youth.
Ladies of grace and ladies of favor and ladies of merciful night,
This is a prayer for a blueberry girl.
Grant her your clearness of sight.
Words can be worrisome, people complex, motive and manners unclear,
Grant her the wisdom to choose her path right, free from unkindness and fear.
Let her tell stories and dance in the rain, somersault, tumble and run,
Her joys must be high as her sorrows are deep.  Let her grow like a weed in the sun.
Ladies of paradox, ladies of measure, ladies of shadows that fall,
This is a prayer for a blueberry girl.
Words written clear on a wall.
Help her to help herself, help her to stand, help her to lose and to find.
Teach her we’re only as big as our dreams.
Show her that fortune is blind.
Truth is a thing she must find for herself, precious and rare as a pearl.
Give her all these and a little bit more.
Gifts for a blueberry girl.

1.  Snow.  It’s falling like crazy, (though I don’t think there’s any way it’s going to create the 13 inches we were forecast to see.)  But it’s lovely to see, and I can always dream that they’re going to close the library early.  (hah!)

2.  Going to see Stew in a few weeks, which should be fun.  Weirdly I dreamed a series of linked dreams where we went to see him in a train, in Carnegie Hall, on an island…

3.  Bagel and tomato for lunch again today, and I’m already looking forward to it.

4.  I am working in the Sane Place today.  Looking forward to a respite from the Crazy.

5.  Tomorrow marks 8 weeks for me.  And, I’m grateful to have gotten this far.  And, if I’m going to be plagued by spotting/bleeding, I’m grateful that it started before 8 weeks, because if it just kicked in now?  I’d be out of my mind instead of just losing my mind.

Was planning, last night, on posting today how happy I was to have gone 24 hours with no spotting.

Hah.

And then I went to the bathroom after dinner and had a small heart attack.  I am starting to wonder if it’s cervical irritation, rather than anything else.  I sure am shoving a lot of medication up there on a thrice-daily basis, so maybe I’m just not being careful enough to steer clear of Ms. Sensitive Cervix.

Bitch.

Bleeding bitch.

In other craptastic news, I got called on my day off to go into the Realm of Pain today.  I am not pleased. Actually, I threw what could only be called a tantrum yesterday, both on the phone to the assistant manager who was tasked with making the call, and then after I all but threw the phone across the room, in front of my poor, long-suffering husband.  The Princess is being vindictive and making me pay for admitting that I’d rather be anywhere than in her reach.  I just want out of this situation, internets.  It’s only getting worse.

Going to go analyze toilet paper one last time before I have to go ride the Train of Doom to the Realm of Pain so I can take abuse and witness the craziness of the Princess of Romania.

It sounds like more fun when I type it out like that.  Humor me.  This is my life.  Sheesh.

1.  2 times 5 equals 10.  This makes my little geeky self happy when I look at the date.

2.  Breakfast cereal still loves me.  For which I am grateful.  Big bowl of cereal in the morning is probably what’s keeping the blech at bay til afternoon.  I wonder if I could just eat cereal all day long?  Brussels sprouts were good last night, but I honestly don’t think I should try them for lunch.  Urk.  Sounding like a bad idea even imagining such a thing…

3.  Supposed to snow today and tomorrow, which I will enjoy while it’s happening, if not during the aftermath when everything is slippery and slushy.

4.  We have now eliminated 3 mice (out of the, maybe, 30 that we’re estimating are inhabiting our house.  The dog is completely useless, mighty hunter that she isn’t, but the Boy is getting awfully excited each time we get another one.  It’s good to have a project…

5.  I get to come home tonight.  That’s the best I can do.  I’m totally dreading today’s work experience.  But at least, when it’s over, I get to come home.

Doing better today.  This should hold for another 27-28 hours and then I’ll be back on the crazy-train, but for now, it’s a comfortable place to be.

I’ve decided to put my trust in nausea and boobs that I swear to god grew a cup size overnight.  I’m thinking of going to buy some cheap get-me-by bras today, but I’ll probably be too lazy to actually stir myself to do so.  That’s ok.  It’s good to have some long-term goals around here besides “try not to lose your mind.”

It’s my day off, so I’m going to try to make an appointment to see the OB my doc recommended – yes, I believe he is the OB to the stars! (or at least Brooke Shields.)  But my insurance claims he honors my plan, so what the heck.  And my doc vouches for his personality, which is, to me, almost as important as his qualifications (or his ultrasound capabilities!)  I wonder if he’ll let me come in every week til 13 weeks?  I’ll have to ask. If nothing else, it would get me out of the Realm of Pain for a few hours each week.

Which at this point would be worth almost anything to me.

Work has gotten unbearable again, with my return to the demesne of the Romanian Princess.  In a way, it’s reassuring to realize that I don’t actually hate my profession, just my current work environment.  Being in a branch where sanity is the rule of the day instead of the exception has really clarified a lot of things for me – namely that I need to get out of the Realm of Pain.  The problem being (for of course there has to be a problem) that all transfers have been frozen due to big budget issues that are not likely to be resolved anytime soon.

And if all goes well, I’ll be dropping out of the librarian-game in late summer anyway.

And so that’s what I’ll try to keep focused on.  I’ll try to remember that this – like so much – is temporary, and that I can endure it, get past it, ignore it if I will.

And, barring that, I can bitch and moan until everyone knows just how unhappy I am.  Because I’m generous with my moods like that.

You’re welcome.

1.  Bagels with butter and tomatoes.  I woke up craving onee, and went out to get all the ingredients, and it was delicious.  Looks like my previous cravings of salad & fruit are not holding up to the overwhelming desire to drown myself in carbohydrates.  Ah well.  I get to have another tomato sandwich for lunch, so I don’t care…

2.  I slept for almost 10 hours.  Well, I was in bed for almost 10 hours.  Not sleeping so well between 3 & 5 am these days, but still.  More rest than I’ve had in days.  Felt divine.  No dreams of losing pregnancies.  Definitely grateful.

3.  Working on a little embroidered gift for my doctor today – I’d love to finish it before I go in next week, but may not live up to that high standard, since I’ve been such a slug about working on it.  But I’m looking forward to working on it.  It sounds like a nice Thursday project to me, along with cooking dinner, talking to my folks, and getting a bit of writing in.

4.  It’s a bright blue morning, windy and not too cold.  As much as I miss snow, I’m becoming accustomed to these mild NYC winters & I wonder if I’m going to secretly miss them when we leave.

5.  Despite my recent rediscovery of carbohydrates and all things buttery, I have not gained any weight.   Haven’t lost weight, but haven’t gained it either.  Which is weird, since I know I’m eating more.  Sort of fun.  So this is what it would be like to have a normal metabolism?  Cool.