Why is it…
that when a person – my boss, in this case – finds out what this last year has been all about, they invariably say something like “Oh, you’re so brave. Most women would have just given up!”
And why does that statement piss me off so very righteously?
Because it does. It is as annoying as anything that any well-meaning – or otherwise – person has ever said to me. This is not about bravery. This is not about being strong. This is not about hanging tough, keeping on, or any other stupid cliche.
This is about being out of options. This is about not being able to imagine living in a world without a child. That’s not bravery, that’s desperation.
This is not about being strong. Being strong would mean I was able to find a way to live a meaningful life whether or not I was able to share it with a child.
I’m not strong. I’m not brave.
I just want a child so badly that there is no other option.
So don’t piss me off by imagining otherwise. And if you do have an overactive imagination? Please, for the love of all that’s holy, keep it to yourself.
I think people who make comments like that just haven’t been there. They think people do extrordinary things because they are “heroic or brave” but really, like you said, it’s because you have no other options. Or I guess you could be insane. I feel a bit of both right now!
Thinking of you this last day – I think you’re in the eastern time zone so I suppose you’ll hear first; I’m over in Washington (not DC) so the agony goes a few more hours. I think you’re pretty awesome to survive going through this, even if you’re not brave.
Hearing you.
Hated that myself:(
Amen!
Totally agree. Also, I always feel like when people say that they’re subtly implying that they think it’s a little pathetic. Like, “Wow, despite the fact that things went badly for you over and over again and you probably should have taken the hint that it wasn’t going to work out, you kept going for it. How…brave!!” It’s like when you tell someone you asked a guy out and you can tell they think he’s way out of your league when they say, “Wow, really? You’re braver than I am!”
Fuck them. They don’t get it–we do.
Beautifully said. People say that too about my cancer experience. same thing. like, um, what choice did I have? Bravery and strength had nothing to do with it.
Mo
You said it all. I cannot try adoption yet – for many of the reasons you stated. I also just feel desperate, weak and freakish. I have asked myself over and over today – what would be so horrible about living child free? I picture it and it sucks and it is filled with me constantly wishing that I had a kid, smiling like the fake bitch that I am at other pregnant women, people with their kids, etc. etc. etc.
Good luck tomorrow – I hope that the process goes quickly.
Not only is that an annoying thing to say, it’s just not true. If it were, there’d be no ART because we’d have all just given up when it didn’t happen quickly by (gasp!) having $ex with our man.
I find it rage inducing. I think what they fail to realize, and we fail to realize as well, is that we don’t do any of this all at once, we do it by degrees, and because of that it is not based on strength. We are working towards a goal, one excruciating step at at time. I think if we had to TTC, IVF, Miscarry, grieve suffer assholes all in one fell swoop, we’d feel overwhelmed and walk away.
Ugh.
Oh, I agree. HATE it when a well-meaning friend (or anyone else) says anything like that.
Sending lots of good thoughts to you.
At the risk of being the odd woman out, I have to respond. I think all of you ARE brave. Not only are you going through something that most of us can’t imagine, you are reaching out to others, exposing your pain, your heartbreak and your lives.
I may have only lived this vicariously through my friend, but I have witnessed her strength and consequently all of yours. I’ve seen from the sidelines how you encourage one another. All of your could have crumbled inward, nursing your hurt and pain but you didn’t, or at least not for long. That’s strength, that’s courage and I don’t know if I’d be able to do it.
I agree, it’s a step by step process, like walking slowly into a pool. But once you were there, you turned back to other women (and their partners) who are on the first steps and helped them too.
It may sound cliche or something but it’s heartfelt. I wish all of you healthy babies. I can’t imagine better mothers.