This is not a funny post
After a semi-rough night where my varied neuroses were in full swing, I had in mind that I’d write a clever little post about how every teensy thing convinces me that I’m on the brink of a miscarriage and aren’t I a goose?!?
Then I read Lisa’s posts from last night and this morning, and my heart broke. I decided that there wasn’t anything funny at all about any of us fearing the worst.
Because when it does happen, it’s devastating. And because most of us have survived that particular devastation a few times now, it’s a wonder that we’re able to get up and function at all.
But laughing about the possibillty? No. I refuse to do that again.
Yeah, I’m neurotic. I’m not as thirsty as I was last week – therefore my mind insists that there’s something wrong. I have a bit of GI distress & instantly assume that bleeding is not far behind. Then I wake up the next morning and I’m fine and I wonder why I was acting so silly last night. Neurotic. See? There it is. I have my reasons. You probably have a few issues to which your life has sensitized you. A few of them are probably the same as mine. Horrifying? Yes. Laughable? Not even a little bit.
I recognize the desire to make light of my fears for what it is, I used to see it when I was a bike guide in Utah – both a celebration of having made it past one set of tricky spots without mishap, and a way to disguise the fear I feel at upcoming rough spots. But surely I can find a better way to do that, a way that does not denigrate or diminish past experiences. A way that better honors the sheer gratefulness I feel for where I am right now as well as my horror at the possibility of losing this joy.
So that’s why this isn’t a funny post. It’s not witty or clever or cute. I am neurotic, but I am very lucky and I promise I’m going to pay more attention to that aspect of my life as a way to distract myself from the fear that will always be with me. The fear that is a part of me. I will try not to allow my fears to get the better of me, but that I will also not allow myself to diminish the fear that I feel. And I will continue to be afraid – afraid to the point of neurosis, sometimes. That’s just how it is.
You have been through some horrible things. It is not funny, and the neurosis is not funny either. If you had made fun of your own neurosis, we all would have just mentioned all the reasons everything is fine, and IT is not happening right now. In all seriousness, the T1 symptoms faded for me after a few weeks, and I freaked out. I know many who went through the same thing. PUPO all the way. I was reminding myself of that well into T2.
I have an issue in life where I feel the same… my Dad died of a sudden heart attack at the age of 53. No one saw it coming. There is this phrase “I almost had a heart attack” that people use so lightly. I cannot ever use that phrase, and when I hear it I cringe. These things are real for some people.
I am an emotional mess the first few weeks, happy, worried, guilt, it’s certainly difficult. It all seems like it can be taken away in a moment and we’d better not get too over confident…we’d better not tempt fate. I try to convince myself that there is nothing I can do, say, think that will have any real effect. I know my thoughts wont actual y make anything happen….but still I ma so cautious with what I think (bad or good). I get it.
what a cool post. thank you
I always tried that assume everything is going right stance but found it extremely hard in the face of the times it didn’t. In the end I have gone with accepting the neurosis.
I am going to be frank here. I am guilty of that — of diminishing the amount of pain that I had to go through in the past. This was a coping mechanism for me that let me get out of bed every morning. This also allowed me to forget abt the past and look onto the future as if this is the first time this is ever happening — it kinda eased the burden of its-been-3-yrs-since-ttc. But you have a valid point, that I have to acknowledge the fear instead of diminishing it. I have not gotten pregnant after my miscarriage yet but I know the miscarriage memories will haunt me when I do. I HAVE to deal with it. Thanks for the post!
I think we are all a little neurotic when it comes to our pregnancies, especially when we’ve gone through so much to get pregnant and/or have had losses. And you are right… It’s not funny although I think we sometimes have to make light of things just to get through.
S- I feel you. ((HUGS)) and thank you.