9w4d – or so we hope
Ok, the terror is really getting out of hand. If my old RE worked Monday or Tuesday I’d be at that door bright and early, begging for a scan. As it is, I’m seriously considering “interviewing” a high risk OB just so I can “interview” their high tech US machine.
Maybe, after what’s happened this last year, I’m not actually midwife-birth material anymore.
I feel like most of my pregnancy symptoms have simply evaporated. Boobs aren’t really all that sore. Slightly sore. If I squish them into my ribcage, then yes – but then, who wouldn’t be sore with treatment like that? But they’re not as dark, they’re not as heavy. They don’t feel pregnant. And I don’t know if it was because of going off Estrace, or if it’s because I lost Sprog and – as is my body’s wont – the rest of me just hasn’t figured it out yet.
Nausea – which was, granted, never that pronounced – is now entirely ignorable. I’ll still feel a little off for an hour or two a day – randomly – but that could also be the fear coming through. Because Fear? I’ve got fear by the bucketsful. And that’s one way my body’s always processed it. I have a rental doppler coming sometime next week, but it occurred to me last night, during my 4am freakout session, that due to the crazy veins on my uterus, I wonder if we’re going to have any luck with the doppler until that kid is like 20 weeks old.
I wish – and this is horrible – but I wish my body didn’t like to hold onto pregnancies so much. The only natural miscarriage I’ve ever had was with the ectopic pregnancy. Both other times, it’s been a missed miscarriage without so much as a spot of blood or a twinge of cramp until the event – the 5 weeks later event – itself. So even though there’s no blood – which for most women is the sign of miscarriage, I have to worry anyway. Because no news is not always good news, if you’re Sprogblogger.
And oh, how I wish I could just sleep the next 10 weeks away. Whatever’s going on in there, I wish I could just fast forward to mid-autumn.
My mom sent me a lovely email urging me not to worry, and I really am trying not to. I do ok during the day, but all night long in my dreams we were trying – and failing – to find a heartbeat. I hate this. Hate it hate it hate it. I feel so precariously balanced, so unstable that I cannot get rid of the horrible fear that’s ruining this period of pregnancy for me.
Going to be a long day, I’m thinking, followed by an even longer night. Followed by a long day, and a long night. And a long day and a long night….
Read your post about the heartbeat study. Sprog is in all likelihood absolutely fine. But I know how hard that is to trust; I spent 36 weeks convinced I’d lose LG. And you know, she’s five, and I still have to make sure she’s breathing at night… But she’s okay. And Sprog is too.
So sorry about the turmoil you are going through. As Qwinne says at this stage in all likelihood Sprog is probably fine but I know that doesn’t make it any easier. Hang in there. We are all thinking of you.
I know I can’t say anything because I’ve been there, but bear in mind you are at a time when the morning sickness and symptoms do start to go away.
And I hate to tell you this because I’m ashamed I even did it, but when I was at your gestation and felt the same way I completely freaked and went to the ER and said I was having pains and that I was pregnant and might be having an ectopic… and yes I went to an ER that wasn’t familiar with me. Told them I didn’t know how far along I was. Thankfully, it netted me an ultrasound.
I had so many of those worries in the beginning as well and I didn’t really have many symptoms to begin with, so that made it worse. But everything has been great so far and now that you’ve seen that strong little HB your odds of m/c have decreased tremendously! Just try your best to stay positive. I know it’s hard but I really believe that the “what you think about you bring about” theory is true. I know that some things are just our of your control, but keeping positive thoughts will help ease your mind until the next time you see your precious little Sprog and find that everything is perfect! Look at how cute s/he is floating around over there looking like a little human and not a tadpole
Give him/her little pats today and relax with Nellie- hopefully that will help!
sending love and thinking of you- hope writing is a great diversion. I know your rational mind knows the stats, knows you are more likely than not to have little sprog be just fine,but I also know rational selves mean shit when it comes to this and THE FEAR, so all I can say is I feel for you, and hope you have a resurgence of symptoms so that you feel feel better about it all.
a gentle reminder since it really does help to hear it from someone else:
http://abeautifulday.blogs.com/a_beautiful_day/2004/12/when_ivf_works_.html
and you, my sweet sprog, I hope your decaf was fabulous to the utmost, and that somehow you make it though this wave of uncertainty and fear soon.
warmly,
Kate
Thank you for talking me away from the ledge. Kate – I’ve seen that post before, but it really resonated today. Thank you for reminding me about it. It helped.
Going to go do cross-stitch until my eyes cross and my brain goes numb. If I can’t have vodka, I’ll settle for insane OCD-type work. The mind-numbing results are the same.
Thank you all. It helps being able to say it out loud and know that even though I obviously AM crazy, it’s an ok kind of normal-crazy. Ugh.
Oh, this early pregnancy stuff is for the birds, no? I hear you, Sprogblogger. And as you know I’m right there in fearland with you.
You are definitely normal crazy. Actually, I think, just plain normal! Hang in there!
Mo
Oh sweetie, I’m so sorry that this fear has to rear it’s ugly head. As I was reading, I too thought of the great article with the heartbeat stats you posted. Enjoy the cross stitch. I can’t wait until it is done, I hope you post a finished picture. Enjoy some quiet music too. I was listening to one of my favs yesterday, Stravinsky’s Firebird Suite. If you don’t have much in your collection, there is always BBC classical online radio:
http://www.bbc.co.uk/radio3/classical/
I like all kinds of music but many classical pieces have a way to calm my soul. Take care of yourself. ((Hugs))
I always founds these gaps between scans the very worst. I wont try and tell you not to worry as I know it is impossible. Odds are however firmly on the good side for you.
I am feeling for you right now and you are not alone. I am vacillating between calm, bliss and terror, not necessarily in that order. I am glad that you are opting for cross stitch – I am going to try and talk Mr. M into a dumb movie marathon.
I have read so many articles on m/s coming and going and all symptoms coming and going and sometimes never coming back. The one thing I am trying to embrace is that there is no “normal”. We are all different and will experience pregnancy differently.
Sprog has always appeared to be an ass kicker to me – from his/her hcg to all of the u/s. This one is sticking around.
Hi — de-lurking just to say I’m thinking of you and hopeing for some peace. I remember so well the worry and moments (days, weeks) of outright panic when I had my IVF pregnancy a few years ago. The stakes are always high, but with IVF one is so painfully aware of the high-stakes and so well versed in what could go wrong. I can only offer: I had some symptoms, waning symptoms, and most often no symptoms. I was scared shitless for most of the time, and, in the end, for me, I blessed and lucky and it all turned out fine. I hope the same for you and, in the meantime, scans when you want them, symptoms to reassure, and distraction to keep you, well distracted. Just wait until the baby is moving and then you can obsess (as I did, endlessly) over whether it’s moving more or less than the day, hour, moment before. Love to you,
Elizabeth
sweetie, you sound freaked. So sorry you are going through all this worry. I wish I could do something but of course that’s the point. We are not in control blah blah blah. I want to wrap you up in peace and make a big bowl of symptoms so you feel like hurling every moment of every day till your kids are 29!
Nothing I write can help but I hope you know I’m thinking of you and sending as many calm and nurturing vibes as possible.
What about going to the ER?
I am so so sorry that you have to go through this and I relate utterly and fully. I had a very good relationship with my RE and had weekly “reassurance” ultrasounds until I finally, begrudgingly went to see a real OB at 14 weeks. Yep, I stayed with my RE through 14 WKS because of the grips of the irrational fear. I had NO discernable symptoms throughout my entire pregnancy. And, like you, the day of my ultrasound when I had visual and audible confirmation that my pregnancy was continuing, I was light and airy and, well, relieved. But, that only lasted until I went to sleep that night, then the horror that was the for sure end of my pregnancy crept in and I had to will myself through 6 days until my next u/s. THANK GOD for the eventual arrival of the Doppler!
I remember at an 11 week u/s my RE, seeing my abject fear saying, “one day you are going to have to believe that you are going to have a baby”.
And, one day, you will, too.
Well, in all honesty (not that you asked) I would have bailed on the midwife idea early on. I mean, I think it’s great and all, but it may not be the BEST choice under all of our unique and complicated circumstances. We are using extreme measures involving complicated medical science to conceive and then asking someone with limited experience in that arena to step in and play in our unique game. Of course, I’m fully supportive of the choices you make, but maybe at 24 weeks or so into it…yeah. Just my thoughts…not to be giving assvice.
Oh, I’m so sorry you are having such a stressful time with all this. If it were me, I’d go with the high risk OB for peace of mind, but that’s easy for me to say since I’m not a midwife kind of gal – but you are. You chose to go with the mid-wife for a reason, so I guess you’ll have to weigh all those reasons, but like I said, peace of mind sounds like it could do wonders right now. Good luck. I’m thinking of you and keeping my fingers crossed that all is well.
Oh and sorry for the assvice – that’s exactly what my previous post was.
Oh sweetie… I know Sprog is fine. While I know that having constant u/s eases my mind in a lot of ways, I also know that 2d later, the paranoia sets in and I am a fruitcake again. So regular u/s will still leave you feeling crazy. But it definitely does help. It doesnt hurt to all a HR OB. Although, keep in mind, that you have to meet criteria to be considered HR. They may not see you. But, at the least, you might be able to get a consult and scan.
Fingers crossed that you feel little Sprog’s loving energy surround you and that time flies til you can see him again.