The Calliope of Doom
10 weeks, 2 days. Midwife appointment is tomorrow. With any luck we’ll hear the heartbeat right away so I can have at least a few hours of peace and joy before I settle back in to abject terror.
Sad to say that the Crazy has me so far in its grip I don’t even feel crazy (which means, of course, that I’ve slipped over the edge). I feel almost resigned. Coming off the PIO also meant a reduction in a fair number of symptoms. I know this. I knew this at the beginning of the week when I took my last dose. But still, it’s hard – seeing the outward symptoms disappearing – not to believe that the inward reason for them is disappearing as well.
Not helped by the fact that I seem to be my mother’s daughter in one thing – she had three months worth of periods while pregnant. I’m certainly not bleeding, but my glowingly pregnant skin has broken out – just like it did four and a half weeks ago – and there it is – I’m pretty sure it’s normal (for my family, at least) hormonal fluctuations, but 93% of my brain is screaming “It’s because the baby’s dead!”
I’m not as exhausted as I was a few weeks ago. Nausea is entirely ignorable if I’m busy (though I’m hoping for some really reassuring queasiness if I put my mind to it this weekend!) Boobs are not as dark, nor as veiny, nor as sore / full feeling. (Which I also remember happening 4.5 weeks ago, so there’s another reason for it. Does it make a difference to the Crazy? No, damnit.)
I’m honestly starting to wonder if I shouldn’t transfer my care to a high-tech doc. I could always transfer back after I’m feeling the baby move in a couple of months. Of course, maybe I’ll find something else to obsess over in the meantime, (Maybe? Ya think?) and the one thing I’m still convinced about is that I would really prefer a low-intervention birth if at all possible. Maybe I just need to learn to deal with my anxiety. (Maybe. Ya think?)
Seriously, I wonder if a bit o’ professional help might be a good idea at this point, or if the reassurance of doppler is going to be enough to get my brain on track again? I guess I’ll know after tomorrow… Maybe my midwife will be able to recommend someone I could talk to about the overwhelming anxiety and how to get the hell OVER it.
Still, it all comes back to the fact that since I am a habitual miscarry-er, I really wish to hell that I wasn’t a habitual missed miscarry-er. Not-bleeding after fetal death is, for me, standard operating procedure, so I really can’t take comfort in the fact that I haven’t had so much as a spot of blood show up as a warning sign. I hate this.
Sincerely hoping that the doppler arrives before I have to go to work. So sincerely hoping that my tipped uterus has already untipped so that it’s easier to hear a heartbeat. So very much hoping that I can get off the crazy-ride and start to enjoy some of the other aspects of this amusement park known as Pregnant Land. I hear the cotton candy is fantastic, and the roller coaster known as Prenatal Testing? Must be experienced to be believed!
I did learn yesterday that we’ll be able to learn the baby’s gender with the CVS testing in a couple of weeks. So that’s cool. Everything else about that test will be horrific, but finding out what flavor? Assuming (oi!) that everything’s ok, I honestly don’t have a preference as to what we get. I think the boy would be tickled by a son, since he has three girls, but he adores his girls, and would love another one. I’ll be delighted with whatever we get. I honestly have no preference (though baby girl clothes are way cuter than baby boy clothes. Might have to buy another sewing machine and take up infant fashion design in case of a boy.)
I’m going to spare you all what my brain offered up as soon as I finished typing that happy-go-lucky paragraph. I’ll bet you can guess most of it.
I’ve been on this merry-go-round of terror for far too long now and I really really really want to get off. The horsey I’m riding is snarling at me, and the mirrors are creepy, and if I have to listen to the Calliope of Doom any longer, I’m going to vomit.
Seriously, I’m just so very frightened.
I started reading you blog a few months ago, I do not post much because I read through my blackberry, today is different, today I need to talk to you. I just got off the merry-go-round of terror in Dec when I gave birth to my little miracle after 5 years ttc, clomid, losing 3 babes to missed mc (including a set of heterotopic twins), I wound up pregnant on my first appointment with the ivf specialist (before the procedure). From the beginning everyone thought it was tubal because I had just had the D&C from the twins and my only clear tube was suppose to be no-longer clear, so happiness was hard to find, it was way easier to protect myself from more pain then to be happy and vulnerable. So the ride goes something like this, at the next u/s I will be happy and relax, ok maybe the next appointment when I am 10wks, that passes and then it’s, when the genetic tests are done then I will relax, ok, maybe at the 20 week scan, then the viablility date, surly after that I can relax, nope, then it is thoughts of late still births, then trouble with labor, etc…. The fact is the DBTs (dead baby thoughts) are not going to pass. Infertility and loss takes away the innocence and happiness of pregnancy, that is one of it’s worst effects in my book. You have to be aware of this and learn what you will need to keep the DBTs at bay, wether it be more ultrasounds, dopplers, more high tech equipment, doctor’s appointments etc… You need the reassurance to keep relaxed for the baby’s sake and if your midwife or doctor does not understand that then you need a new doctor. If you keep waiting for the anxiety to leave you will be waiting forever, I know I did. Put a doppler, more ultra sounds and doctors on your merry-go-round and hold on for the ride. Sorry, I guess I wrote a book. Good luck and hold on.
I completely agree with Megan. I also want to add that, while getting professional help may give you more tools in your tool box to deal with the anxiety caused by DBTs, what you are experiencing is quite common given your history (note I said ‘common’ not ‘normal’
Also, since I was one that recommended the Doppler, I warn you that when you first go to use it and IF you cannot locate the heart beat, you are NOT, under any circumstances, to freak out. It will be unpredictable finding it in your maiden voyage so, if you can’t, relax, breathe, drink some water, walk around, and try again. No harm, no foul.
Finally, girl clothes may be more abundant, but boy clothes are definitely cute!
I know how scary this is. I’ve been there. Like you, I really wanted that low tech, low intervention birth (in theory) but I was also incredibly grateful that taking heparin for 10 months gave me the key to high risk treasure chest (monthly or weekly ultrasounds, nonstress tests, etc). It was a real struggle to want to settle in and enjoy the pregnancy (and I did!) even as I was terrified that I’d never get a take-home baby. Perhaps there’s a middle ground between midwife and high risk OB for you, or perhaps seeing both (one for early pregnancy, one for the delivery) is the way to go…
I know about said anxiety and it SUCKS! I hope the doppler will help. I know it helped me when I was at home. One of the things that helped too was just taking a few moments each day to focus on my belly. I would put my hands on my tummy and just send warm, positive thoughts. I still do that. It may sound hokey, but it does help when the anxiety starts to rise.
Cant wait to hear about your midwife appt!
I am so sorry you are having such a tough time with your anxiety. I do believe it’s completely normal considering the circumstances. We’re not like other women who get pregnant before they even realize they are trying and then just skip off merrily on their way. We worry – about every little thing and it’s completely justified. However, I know you are ready for the worry to lessen and the joy to increase. Hopefully, getting your doppler and meeting with your midwife tomorrow will give you enough information to calm your fears. I think the more positive information you get, the less anxiety you will have. And, like you said, you could always go talk with someone. I just hope you get the good news you deserve and the UPS man knocks on your door any minute!
Why not go to a high tech/ high risk practice and also a midwife. Why make the choice between? I will surround myself with medical professionals that get my level of stress, anxiety and needs. I will also have someone that takes the time to learn what I want and help me advocate for it. You are rightly stressed because you are human but there are folks out there can help.
For what it’s worth I go to a shrink every week just for the TTC stress. She gets it, helps me stay focused and calm.
I like Michele’s ideas about focusing on the two of you everyday. What a lovely image.
I know and I am sorry. I am not going to give you any assvice except to just do whatever you have to do to get through. It is scary as hell. The loss of control is horrifying and the inability to know what is going on in our own bodies to our own future children is debilitating at times.
I am desperate to email you but I don’t have your email…I must thank you properly for your kind, loving words today. You have supported me in a way I don’t think you could even realize.
How can I reach you..you are truly a dear soul Susan. Know how much I am thinking of you and sending you love and warmth and hope and good thoughts.
You are a dear friend.
love,
nicole
Sorry, the above was me but I didn’t put in my correct blog link. I’m an idiot today!
Hang in there! I feel all your anxiety but I agree that it is totally common to NOT hear a H/B with the doppler (at home) at this point. NO freaking!
BUT I would seriously consider seeing a hitech OB as well as your midwife, esp with your history. I want the weekly u/s for you! But I understand (at least on some level!) your need to stay in the low tech world – so don’t think I’m preaching. I don’t believe the OB would do anything but give you peace of mind. Ahhh.