What If?
Being the wild-eyed optimist that I am, I sat awake last night thinking of all the things that could go wrong with this cycle.
Because I’m fun like that.
There’s the obvious:
- What if her infectious disease screening comes up positive?
- What if she has a change of heart?
- What if she decides that this whole helping others shit is nonsense and tries to extort money from us?
- What if she takes up drinking and completely fucks up her eggs up between now and retrieval?
- What if she gets all lazy about doing her injections – god knows I wasn’t as worked up about it after my 1st IVF was over – and if she just “forgets” a few times, she’ll produce almost no follicles. Ack!
And then there are the odder possibilities. The ones that only someone with truly shit luck should have to worry about. Oh yeah.
- What if I’m already pregnant with a crap embryo that’s going to miscarry, but not soon enough to make this cycle happen anyway?
- What if I’m incapable of getting pregnant ever again, even with young-thang eggs?
- What if we can’t synchronize our cycles, if my lining is crap no matter what we do?
- What if, despite her stellar record, she produces nothing at all this cycle?
- What if she used all her good eggs up for this other couple – damn them, I hate them for using up my donor!
- What if she gets taken up by aliens between now and retrieval?
- What if…
What if?
What if?
What if?
Think about these instead?
What if…
She makes lots of eggs?
You get a house full of babies from one retrieval?
You get pregnant on the first shot?
You see the second and third trimesters with ease?
You deliver a full term, beautiful sprog?
This works?
I know you are scared (heck, we are all scared for you!) but we just have to keep thinking positive. You can do this! You can!!!
Susan Reply:
September 30th, 2009 at 1:10 pm
Thank you. As always, you managed to talk me down from the ledge where I find myself shaking.
You know that alien thing is a definite possibility
I know…I’m getting caught up in the what-ifs, too. But I think Michele is right. The only thing you can control here is, finally, how you approach it. You’re already being as aggressive as you possibly can be, in terms of treatment on your own end. I’m thinking the best for you.
I prefer Michele’s list to yours…
Seriously, you are doing the right thing. You have a great plan and you are moving forward with the best possible donor at this point in time. In all likelihood it will all go well and it will work. Honestly.
Thinking of you. Try not to let the “what-ifs” ruin your hard earned holiday.
Silly girl….
Things sound like they are going in your favor. Your fears are very legitimate but I think the flip side of the negative what if’s are far more numerous and reassuring!
You mentioned “what if I get pregnant with crap egg from this cycle”, did you TTC this cycle?
Susan Reply:
September 30th, 2009 at 1:12 pm
No, but the only spontaneous pregnancy I’ve had was the 1st cycle post-miscarriage, and even though we didn’t do anything potentially baby-makin’ right when I was probably MOST fertile, it was a doozy of an ovulation cycle, so it makes me a bit nervous about days on either side of those couple of days.
God, I hate my life that I’m hoping I’m NOT spontaneously pregnant.
Kate Reply:
September 30th, 2009 at 8:14 pm
Pardon the french, but baby making post infertility an loss is a total mind fuck. I say this because of what I’m about to say: Hope you’re NOT spontaneously pregnant too. *shaking head that such a statement could ever be uttered*
I get it. ((HUGS))
I imagine having just these thougths! In one way it is nice to be free of the moment to moment issues of a fresh IVF, but I’m sure I’m going to be obessing about how the donor is handling everthing!
All of these “what ifs” pale in comparison to the “what if you do nothing”.
Oh baby- your posts are amazing, of course, and I miss visiting and lingering. But I can say this, i am a whatiffer from way back, and I can only say yeah, I get it. And yeah, I wish it were different.
I think one of the many things that comes into stark relief in all of this ttc hoopla is that there is so much that we do not have one tiny bit of control over, that I find I want to control the hell out of the rest. It is the only fragment of power I feel I have– sometimes it is just information sometimes it is actual decision making or needle pushing. but I hate how much this exposes just how much I am at the whim of …. whatever. Luck.
Wishing you peace and spareribs and a chicken stuffed whippet (not on the same plate) and thinking of you Susan,
with love,
Kate
I’ve had these same fears myself about a potential donor. Does it ever end? Really liked the positive “what ifs” too!