Nothing.
Which is fine, I mean, I’m on day 27. It would be really something special to get my period a day or two early just because I’m eager to begin a cycle. It’s not like I’m putting on a bride’s maid’s dress or white trousers or anything.
(Though I could wear some really nice underwear to work. It’d be a hard sacrifice to make, but I think I’d be willing…)
I made a chart yesterday. Yes, a chart like you had in elementary school to remind you to brush your teeth and make your bed where your reward was sticking on the little gold stars for every task accomplished. Only this was an Excel chart for all 260+ days of pregnancy. Including grid spaces for things like “Eat 2 servings of fish per week!” and “Drink 96 oz of water per day!” Fortunately for all concerned, our work copy of Excel is buggy as a Tim Burton villain, and so not only was my precious chart not printable, but I couldn’t even save it to obsess over later.
You know, it occurs to me that my need to control my world has only gotten worse throughout this process. I want so badly to be able to fix whatever’s wrong, that I’m willing to make it be about drinking 96 rather than 85 ounces of water. Or about letting no chocolate (for that horrific caffeine effect, ya know) pass my lips. Or about walking 10,000 steps (at a moderate, never-let-my-heartrate-get-above-130-bpm, pace, of course) every day without fail. It feels very much like it’s degenerating into childhood bargaining. ie: “If I can hop all the way to school, then I’ll get an A on my social studies test.” or “If I see three red cars between here and the bridge, then That Boy will ask me out.”
It never worked then, either, but I remember being pretty astonished at the blatant unfairness of the universe a few times. I mean, I did everything right! I followed even the stupid rules (that I, myself had made up)! Not fair! Waaaaaaa!
The fact that I’d consider wearing ruinable clothes today speaks to that child in me. The fact that I actually sat down and created the chart (though I hadn’t yet had the chance to go buy gold stars, thank god.) speaks to the slightly OCD aspect of my personality. I’m not crazy about either one, to be honest.
I need to remind myself over and over again that while I am doing what is possible to do, none of it will impress the Universe with my willingness to do anything in order to have this in my life. None of this is a guarantee. None of this is magic.
Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go drink some water.
oh sweetie, I so get this.
And yeah, while none of this is magic
all of it is
but we just cannot sway it with sincerity.
Thinking of you
C’mon period! Ferchrissakes, the things we wish for…
xo
Kate
God, I do the superstitious bargaining thing all the time. And frankly, I strongly believe in bring on AF with light-colored clothing. The key is you have to say, “Forget it, AF isn’t coming. I’m wearing these light gray pants! And a thong!” Then she will surely come. You’ll at least spot.
Hoping she comes soon!
I’m not a superstitious person but TTC/pregnancy has made me so. My therapist suggests its because there is absolutely 1% of this in our control, and 99% out of our control so we try to make sense of it. But I know we’re not the only ones. I bring Jack with me to all my doctor’s visits now. even mundane ones where tey check my heart rate and weigh me. The doctor said, “so you’re bringing him to all the visits? Even the boring ones?” I nodded and she smiled, “I get it. Things aren’t going wrong this time and he’s come to a lot of the appointments so now he’s your good luck charm.” I looked at her amazed and she said “I’d do the same thing.”
I think it affects us all.
Ahh, my old friend, magical thinking. Boy do I have a love hate relationship with that old gal…
In our most powerless moments we search for some slender thread of certainty to bind our weary souls together. If fancy underwear make you feel like you are doing somthing, then go for it.
I have to admit, I’ve never been so concerned with someone else’s cycle as I am right now!! Ha ha.
I haven’t made up a spreadsheet, but I’m with you on the rules and plans and magical thinking. All three times I’ve been pregnant I’ve shared a meal with friends on conception day; totally unrelated, I’m sure, but now I *need* to do that the day of an IUI.
You keep mentioning this 96 oz of water thing…may I ask where that number came from? I doubt that even at my most pregnant and drinking water all day long to stave off contractions that I drank more than 80 oz. Just curious
Susan Reply:
November 5th, 2009 at 4:57 pm
96 oz = 12 glasses of water. Recommended amount for pregnant ladies to drink is 8-12 glasses. Erring on the side of caution means that if I only drink 95 ounces, my baby will be born a shriveled, dehydrated monster. Or I’ll miscarry from lack of amniotic fluid.
Is it wrong that my first thought was that the spreadsheet is a brilliant idea?
I would totally wear the nice underwear.
Hope you are enjoying your tasty, tasty water (my current superstitious amount is 100 oz).
Oh I so get it. I laughed out loud at the chart — not laughing at you, but because it seems like such a wonderful idea.
When the world is so completely out of our hands, putting some sort of structure around it, and bargaining with the Fates (and they are such nasties sometimes) seems completely rational.
I love the chart!!!
Cant wait to hear GREAT news about this cycle!
Ahh…that control thing. Totally get it. I’m a type-A to begin with so this process has been excruciating for me in terms of control, or lack there of. I think this is why I do ALL my own injections. If DH did them it would mean giving up some of the little control I do have. No freaking way! The way I look at it…I am rationalizing the irrational.
I’m rooting for you with this cycle. Take care!
You are so funny! And we all do it–try to sway the Universe with the extreme measures we’ll go to for a little one.
Here’s to needing that chart really, really soon!