Looking for Something Shiny
Spotting is, apparently, rather more normal than not on Lupron. Who knew? My nurse laughed at me for calling her twice – voicemail picked up the first time, so I called her back in a few hours. Er, given my clinic’s past performances on call-backs, I felt it best to take matters into my own hands. Which worked.
From being totally excited about this process, I find that I’m moving straight into a state of ennui. I’m tired of trying (and failing) to have a baby. I’m tired of this being the focus of my life. I’m tired of the continual effort with the complete lack of reward. I’m bored. I’m ready to be done with this already, and I’m not, and it’s strange.
Due dates & anniversaries coming up, and it’s hard not to count down to them. Holidays coming up and it’s almost impossible not to imagine where I wanted to be at this time. This last pregnancy, I daydreamed nearly constantly of being nice and roundedly pregnant at both Thanksgiving and Christmas. I don’t know why those days played so prominently in my daydreams, because the boy’s daughters are likely to be less-than-ecstatic when I do catch pregnant and start to show, but I was still really looking forward to those days. Now? Not so much. Which is a shame.
And I’m kind of excited about fast-upcoming DE cycle, except it doesn’t seem real. I mean, we could be doing a transfer in 3 weeks or so, and it doesn’t feel real. Part of me is convinced that this will work – of course it will! Look at the numbers! Look at my history! And the rest of me knows it’ll be one more massive disappointment, so maybe it’s better to look at something shiny – Mockingbirds! Red leaves! Flower! – until it’s all over.
If I could, I’d wake up around the middle of January. Better yet, the middle of August, when I’d wake from my coma to give birth to a perfectly healthy baby, and wouldn’t have to have lived through another year like this.
Sigh. I need to get my head together….
I’m completely with you in your state of ennui. I’m so ready to get my cycle going but the other side of me is, like you said, so bored with all of this. I’m so tired of focusing on this and worrying about it month after month. I’m just ready for it to be over -one way or the other. I think I need to start looking for something shiny, too. As much as I want my cycle to work, after experiencing so much disappointment, it really is hard to get your hopes up. Maybe this time, since we aren’t expecting much – they’ll all work out perfectly! I can’t believe your transfer will be in a few weeks. I think I’ll focus on being excited and hopeful for you – that way I don’t have to focus as much on what’s going on with me!
It is so fast! A few weeks til transfer? Wow, I would be spinning a bit too.
I hear you on wanting all this to be over…but only if over means a happy ending. It’s been a long road for you, my friend. I keep doing the pregnancy math, too; I’ve got a friend who is due two weeks before I would have been, so seeing her is a constant reminder of where I *should* be, if I had a more cooperative body. Let’s home December brings some fantastic news, eh?
Thinking of you.
No words, cept to say that I’m thinking of you xxxx
I’m glad to hear the spotting is normal and no cause for concern.
You are very strong and brave. It takes courage to have the beautiful outlook you have on life and it inspires me in my own. Still, its no easy what you’re going through. I am thinking of you during this difficult holiday season and hope and pray your upcoming cycle is IT
I want you to be done with this too. I want you to start the next phase of your life. Sending lots of hope that these weeks will be on that new path and in 2010 the holidays are an entirely new experience.
I’m sorry. I know it is hard, and it is especially hard to keep it together when you hurt so much inside. But you are doing a great job. Just great. I really want this for you.
I know what you mean – I’m so tired of trying and failing and seemingly getting further and further away the goal. The ups and downs are so old and boring and I’m ready to start a new chapter of life (you know, motherhood)
I hope the donor egg cycle is successful — best of luck to you!
ICLW