5w3d – Looking for Problems in all the Predictable Places.
My zen may have gotten smothered by the octopus yesterday. (And thank you for that rather creepy little visual, Brenda! I laughed, and then winced, and then sort of let my mind scuttle away from it. Rather like an octopus moving to another, fishier tank, perhaps.)
But seriously, I’m not quite sure why, but I spent most of yesterday trying to find my calm, and then frantically trying to find my calm, and then giving in and letting the panic have its way because it was easier than crawling through the rubble which is all that was left of the Calm, on my bloody hands & knees, screaming for the Calm to come back, pleasepleasePLEASE!!!
Um, that didn’t really work out so well for me. Sort of counterproductive, actually.
Not sure why my brain decided to freak out yesterday. Possibly because I’ve been spending all of my allotted worrying time worrying about why I’m not worried. Or because I’ve forgotten to knock wood or toss salt every time I notice myself being all complacent and mellow.
Mellow is not who I am. I know better. I’ve obviously been inhabited by an alien. An alien with tentacles. And no eyes.
And if my doc were working today, I’d be sorely tempted to go in this morning for that scan a day earlier than I was planning. But he’s not. And I won’t risk a horrible wanding by Herr Bigshot if I don’t need to – I can protect myself that much, at least. even if I can’t seem to do much about/for my current low-level state of panic.
I’m only at 5w & a few days here. It feels like I’ve known about this pregnancy for months, years even. In a way, I have. I’ve been resigned to DE being our best shot at parenthood for so long, that it has felt inevitable, really. Which is good in some ways – I honestly wasn’t surprised by the positive HPTs or beta numbers as I have been every other time. But it does mean that it feels like I’ve been in this first trimester for about 6 months, now, and I’m really ready to be obviously, incontrovertibly pregnant. But I’m not – not yet anyway. And it’s still so early. So horribly early that anything can happen so easily, and I wouldn’t know til it was over. And that’s happened so many times now that it just feels like the way pregnancies progress, you know? You’re feeling good, feeling pregnant, and then you learn that you’re not. And you spend the next few months wondering at what exact moment you should have known. At what point you should have stopped looking at baby books and layettes and sunshades and realized that all was not well. Because all is never well, is it? Can it be? Pregnancy isn’t some natural state of being, it’s a wild ride wherein nothing goes well, nothing goes normally, and it’s a blooming miracle the species as a whole can survive because, damn, the birth of a live child is an elusive prize, attained only by the lucky few. Or so it sometimes seems.
At least I was awake for 2 hours this morning, tossing and turning. And I’m full-on into a new bra-size. That has to be a good sign. (Ow.) Not feeling yechy, though I will say that spicy/salty food is fast becoming my favorite thing, again, and as an experiment yesterday to actually track my water intake, I easily downed 90 ounces of water in a little less than 2 hours, and I still needed a glass with dinner. It’s safe to say that the Thirst is still with me. (and right after I typed that, I went into the kitchen to grab my glass apple-cider jug to start in on today’s drinkathon.) The Thirst is real, because I certainly can’t drink water like this when it’s just me in here. (could any human?) I should really relax a bit.
Hah.
So my brain knows I’m pregnant, everything’s the same, nothing to worry about, but my mind is convinced that this is way too easy. I don’t like this trend and I’m going to resist. Maybe my lack of a commute these last few days (and hence, my lack of listening to meditation mp3s) is influencing my crazy, or maybe it’s just time for the insane insecurity to make its debut on the Sprogblogger Emotional Upheaval Stage.
Or maybe it’s just that this is all starting to feel so very real that I cannot imagine what it would feel like to have it taken away again. Or maybe it’s that I can imagine, that I don’t have to imagine. Been there. Never want to go back. I like it here, and I have a feeling I’ll like it even more in a few months. Let’s keep going forward, ok? No more setbacks, no more skinned knees, bumped elbows, unspeakable losses.
And in return, I promise to try to keep the drama to a minimum. A bare minimum.
*gulp*
I think pregnancy time is slower than real time. And those terrifying weeks 4-7 are the slowest and most anxiety producing of all. Hugs.
Maybe when you write your IF memoir, you can call it Zen and the Octopus.
Each minute lasts a decade, I know, I remember. I hope you are as fine as your body is indicating, but I also totally honor the rest of you and your worry. Cannot wait for your reassurance tomorrow that all is well, or as the pioneers in IF blogging have always said, nothing bad has happened yet (NBHHY)–
Since I had a mid stride loss I know what it feels like to feel like you should have known. Or should have trusted the doubts and concerns. But i also know we are doomed to have them (doubts and worries) anyway since we have such ample reasons for them in the past. The trick is somehow to survive this and start to trust the stats more than our own experiences (HOW?? I HAVE NO IDEA)
but you, my love, are thoroughly sprogged up. The THIRST and the BREASTS agree with me.
Cannot wait until you can point to the screen and see it with your own eyes too.
xox
Kate
I am totally with you on this post. I am 11w2d and I still cannot believe this is really happening. I can’t believe I’ll actually bring home a live baby (or two) after this. Like you, I went DE and I feel like I’ve been in the 1st Trimester for 6 months!! “Come on now – can I have my baby now? I’ve earned it!” I have no expectations on this pregnancy, but I do have hopes. I mean, I can’t imagine bringing home a live baby. Maybe the freak outs are normal and we need to roll with the punches. The hormones don’t help either
The day before u/s is the hardest day especially at the stage of pregnancy you are in. I’m excited about tomorrow for you but your fears are obviously normal!
Susan Reply:
January 19th, 2010 at 1:09 pm
Now why didn’t I think of that?
Well, thankfully you ARE normal after all…
I do envy the zenish you, but too much sometimes is just that, too much. Made me feel weird (since I already know I am not normal). You need to give that baby some adrenaline shocks now and then, and panic attacks are the easiest thing to resort to.
Kidding aside, I hear ya, sista.
Even though people do tell you over and over that you are indeed pregnant, and the signs keep pointing to that fact, the only time you can breathe easier for real is when you see something on the monitor, the sac, the heart beating, the sprog moving and doing sprog stuff… In between, there is just guessing and hoping and praying. And I have lost once – I do not dare think how YOU feel.
So, keeping fingers crossed for you and hope that you only get great news from now on.
And when you are done being normal, bring back the zenish susan, that was fun to watch (in a science-class-experimenting sort of way).
BTW, wanted to mention: I picked up cross stiching because of you (yeah, pretty much only your fault). I always toyed with the idea, and am somehow craftish that way, but now – I will not be surprised when I get cross-eyed from all that cross stiching! I also do embroidery, classier, but not even remotely as much fun. Truly hope that seefood knitting is NOT contagious.
Susan Reply:
January 19th, 2010 at 1:08 pm
For real on the cross stitch? You’ve made my day. Any time I can introduce someone else to one of my OCD compulsions is a good time!
And I have a cuttlefish pattern that’s just SCREAMING your name right now…
Mina Reply:
January 20th, 2010 at 2:58 am
For very real. Please put the cuttlefish out of my misery, screaming is soooo last year. This year is smiles and giddy and zen. Or don’t you know that?
Now, come on with the good news, will ya?! We’re all waiting here…
Ugh, just when you think you’re riding It’s a Small World, you are actually on the Cyclone. How does it happen? I dunno, I struggle with it too. But do keep in mind, this is not the same as every other time you’ve been pregnant before. And also know we are all here, waiting, freaking and worrying right along with you.
Early pregnancy is HARD, that’s for sure. So much to worry about and so few reliable indicators that things are progressing as they should. Glad to hear that you have a scan tomorrow to give you some reassurance. In just a few weeks, you’ll be able to listen on your dopplerany time you’re in doubt. Wishing you all the best in getting to that point and beyond. Hang in there!
Here I go with the “in my experience…” assvice again. Ahem. I was super happy and trying to remain calm and “normal” throughout the first trimester but that highly cultivated yoga-calm always slipped away a day or two before ultrasounds, even if I tried not to think about them. Given what you’ve been through, ultrasounds aren’t known as 100% happy times, so you are always going to make that subconcious association. I mean, I took it to extreme levels where I’d feel her moving just minutes before the 20 week ultrasound and still my heart would race and I’d get sweaty palms looking at the u/s screen. They thought I was headed for preeclampsia because my blood pressure would skyrocket on days with ultrasounds. Its unfortunate…but that calm and peacefulness will return after tomorrow’s appointment and come back to get you at odd times. Just know…that mild nausea you feel here and there- is a good thing!!! It equals a strong baby!!!!
I feel like such a dope for not connecting the “two days before an US” dots. You all rock for seeing what I was too blind to figure out on my own.
Sigh.
More guessing & hoping & praying coming right up…
I ditto Sue’s comments. I might remain calm for certain lengths of time when I was pg, but when it came to the ultrasound day (sometimes a week before) I started to panic. I think that there was something about knowing that they could give me bad news.
But not you, not this time! This is a strong sprog (a strog!!) with an octopus-knitting momma! S/he is going to stay put and have a nice showing tomorrow
Breathe and repeat.
Ain’t nothing like PTSD to mess with the Zen. All those losses are traumatic, of course you are triggered. Take care my dear.
Haven’t yet had to do the whole pregnancy after loss, scared but trying to be hopeful thing, but I am very much a plan for the worst, hope for the best yet still somewhat cynical worry wart so…I imagine days like this are totally normal(and I’m going to need someone to scrape me up off the pavement every day, I just know it!). You are doing so much better than I could ever imagine I would be. Kudos in spades!
And there are some smart commenters here…waiting for that u/s, especially the first one…that would tear down the most rainbowy of IF’ers. Can’t wait to hear the good news tomorrow!
Every time I am about to go to a doctor’s appointment I get nervous and edgy. MrBeep has to endure much paranoid woman crazytalk, he always gives me an extra good cuddle the night before. Kate is right. Every day seems to go by so slowly. I want this for you so very much. Hoping hoping hoping for a great appointment tomorrow.
I remember it like it was yesterday. Terrified to be happy and analyzing every little body function and twinge. Sending good (peaceful) thoughts your way!
I know exactly how you feel about feeling so pregnant, and wanting to be obviously pregnant, and yet not being anywhere near that. I have to say, I feel like the first trimester is one big, giant, horrible joke, especially to those who have experienced IF or pregnancy loss. I felt so sick for my first trimester and I thought about (and worried about) my fledgling pregnancy every second, but no one else knew and I couldn’t share my thoughts with anyone besides my therapist. It totally took over my life but no one knew about it but me. And I was so scared to lose it the whole time. It was horrible. I just want you to know that I understand how hard the beginning weeks of a pregnancy are, especially when you know what it feels like to lose one. If you ever need to commiserate, just drop me a line.
You are so normal — you feel this way because emotions ebb and flow during pregnancy, particularly after going through what you’ve been through. You are going to feel calm sometimes and like a freaking out crazy person at others. And that doesn’t mean that you won’t go back to the calm — you can spend a little time in crazy town and still find your way home. And the previous commenters are all totally right — anytime you are right before a test or procedure will be an anxiety producer. Sometimes I’ve wished I could just skip medical appointments as that seems to be what brings out the most anxiety. But try not to think of the whole 30-some-odd weeks stretching before you, because it won’t always be this way. In fact, you’re doing the hardest work now…these times before early ultrasounds are really challenging, but it gets easier with each reassurance you get and when you start feeling the baby move it is a huge shift. Hang in there!
Gah – it is so hard and time is so slow. I echo what has been said about the times before an appt – esp – an u/s. I have one tomorrow as well – and I am nervous, envisioning a cord accident, a placental abruption and a host of other unnameable things, scenarios that only a mind that has been scarred and ripped apart can imagine – I will never say that I understand what someone else is going through – but I can relate to the pre-u/s nerves and scenarios and fears and terrors. But I can also relate to the everything looked fine on the u/s two days ago but what do I feel like everything is not fine why am I envisioning that it has ended.
It is hard and at least for me, the first trimester LASTED FOREVER. FOREVER. AND THEN A FEW MORE YEARS. AND THEN ANOTHER MILLENNIA.
I will be thinking of you as I get my u/s tomorrow and hoping that you get fabulous amazing baby news.
thinking of you every 3.2 nanoseconds.
xox
Kate
Delurking – We are in the trenches together on this one – coincidentally, I conceived on the same day you did (email if you are interested in my IF resume etc). After a couple of miscarriages, this part of pregnancy takes forever. I get a scan around 7 weeks. Keeping busy is helping, so that the time passes unnoticed.
Isnt it strange, how “long” we feel pregnant in the beginning? I’m convinced that because we know so early and know the ins and outs so well, it does “lengthen” the beginning of our pregnancies.