Hour to Hour
Ok, so I’m not dealing well with all this spotting.
Not at all.
Instead of living week to week for ultrasounds, or even hanging in there til my first trimester is over (hah!) I’m living pretty much bathroom-trip to bathroom-trip, based on the color of the toilet paper. And thanks to the overactive bladder, that’s pretty much hour to hour.
And oh-my-fucking-god can I just tell you right now how much I hate this? Feeling fine, feeling great, in fact, because the sick just keeps getting blechier, and the boobs keep getting sorer, but then – hey, what’s this? More blood. Red blood, brown blood, pinkish blood. Never a lot, never enough to make me say, “Whoa! This looks like a miscarriage!” But it’s blood. Coming from the womb of death. I hate it all.
Plus I’ve got a zit on my forehead, and since I break out when I’m NOT pregnant, it’s got me panicking over more than whether or not the Boy will ask me to the Valentine’s Day dance looking like this.
I’m just so damned weary of being afraid. Scared sucks, and what’s almost worse is that I’m not even heart-poundingly panicked – I just feel resigned, somehow. Fatalistic. Like, if I’m going to lose this pregnancy too, can’t I just do it now instead of it dragging on for another week or two? And that is so unlike me that it just annoys the hell out of me – when I can be bothered to feel annoyed.
I’m thinking of going in to the clinic tomorrow, instead of waiting til my day off on Thursday, just because I’m tired of the suspense. I’m tired of waiting for a shoe to drop on my head, tired of waiting for the punchline that will make me cry.
I just want something to be easy – or at least not the hardest thing ever. I keep doing what feels like the hardest thing ever, and it keeps not being enough to make any of this work. This is a fucking donor egg pregnancy. This is supposed to be cake. Cake made from the fluffy, happy eggs of a sweet young thang. And my ancient woodburning-oven can’t even bake it properly? Someone get me a new recipe, damnitall.
Internets, I’m just so very tired. And I want to stop bleeding. And I want to stop waking up in the middle of the night, needing to pee, and just lying there until my bladder is ready to goddamned well explode, because I’m too scared to go into the bathroom where I might find more blood than my brain can rationalize away.
I just want to be pregnant. With a baby. A baby that I can feel somewhat confident might be around in another week or two. Or month or two. Or year or two. Or decade or two. And I’m seriously starting to wonder if that’s something I’m ever going to be allowed to have.
And I hate that.
Going to think about going in to pee now.
Maybe. But I’ll bet it can wait anothe r 2o minutes if I put my mind to it.
First, make sure you get your sweetheart or any friend you can find to give you a hug. Second, I wish you could go to the clinic today. Lovely lady, what you have been through from past pregnancies, you absolutely need special care and attention and reassurance. Just try to stay in the moment today best you can and I hope a trip to your clinic will give you a piece of mind to rest for a little while. Best wishes to you today.
Oh, Susan, I’m so sorry for all this, that you’re not getting the easy, breezy pregnancy that you so want and deserve. I bleed during pregnancy. Historically I also bled until my RE figured out exactly what meds I needed during the luteal phase. What I’ve been able to figure out is this: I definitely spot on progesterone suppositories (not prometrium, but regular bullet-shaped suppositories) and I *think* I spot on baby aspirin (not heparin, never heparin). Is it worth asking your doc if changing meds…different progesterone, different dose of Lovenox, etc, might help?
If you can, go in sooner rather than later, just to give yourself some peace of mind.
Why can’t you go to the clinic now? We aren’t exactly normal pregnant women now are we? I see it as part of the deal. All the crapola we have to put with, the needles, the drugs, the heart crushing grief and let downs. Once we make the team we have card blanche to go into the clinic.
I read an article by a ART doc that was worried about how ‘stoic’ us ART warriors are. We tend to hold off asking the docs and clinic for help.
When I spotted, and it was a little bit, I went straight in. I jumped the line in fact and I am British!!!
I’m in NYC if you want some IRL support at the clinic.
Eb
I would call and have them check everything out just to put your mind at ease. I’m sorry you are having these issues and I’m sending good vibes your way that everything is ok.
Thinking of you and hoping that you are being kind to yourself.
I am so incredibly sorry you are going through this. Why can’t things ever be easy, blissful? Why? Haven’t you been through enough? Although, I have read that twin pregnancies have spotting – it is fairly common. But I know that doesn’t help, it is still so scary. And traumatic. And picking at old scabs. I’m hoping you can get into the clinic early, for reassurance. ((((HUGS))))
From one pregnant 40 year old to another, I’m here to tell you that you need to breathe! Literally.
I know the fear you’re going through — it took me a decade to conceive this baby and the first trimester took all my best mental tricks to survive — but it’s your optimism that will get you through this. And you do have a great talent for finding things to smile about. Don’t stop now!
One thing that my Chinese Medicine practitioner had me do religiously from the start was deep breathing throughout the day, where you bring the air into you belly. He said that doing so helps draw blood flow to the reproductive organs which is very beneficial. (Plus, it calms our panic response and all the crazy hormones that can also mess with our biology there, so that’s a bonus.) And incidentally, my regular (i.e. Western medicine) doctor agreed with this advice too, so perhaps it’s something you can try? Stress and fear are impossible to banish completely, but if you can mitigate them a bit, you can do wonders for your sprogs on a physical level, not to mention your own mental state.
(I hope you don’t mind the long-winded advice. I know everyone copes differently. I just wanted to throw in my two bits, in case it helps. Bottom line: Taking care of yourself is the best thing you can do for those sprogs!)
I agree with everyone else – if you can, go today. I know spotting is supposed to be “normal”, but it would put me over the edge. Besides, you would get to leave the Realm of Pain for a bit.
I’m so sorry. Every time I see a new post from you I cross fingers that the spotting has stopped. It must be so damned unnerving:( When you’ve gone through it before, when it has only gone in one direction, you just expect that it will always be that way. Like you’re locked into some pattern you can’t break out of. It’s hard not to think, “How could it be otherwise?” But it DOES sound different this time. I’d go to your doc’s early. Let them reassure you. Hell, I wish you could go in for daily reassurance…that seems only fair. (I’ve been following your blog for awhile, I hope you don’t mind my chiming in from time to time).
I spotted through week 7. Spotting is hell and creates so much uncertainty and doubt. Try to stay positive. Sending lots of hugs!
I don’t have any wise advice to give but I can send you a virtual hug.
Jem
I spotted throughout week 6 and 7 too. All was well. Hang in there. Good luck at your next appointment.
Pregnancy after loss sucks (and I know this isn’t your first pregnancy after a loss). I have been a mess since day one, but it’s so much worse as I near the point of my loss (24 wks). I say I live minute to minute- an hour is too much. And, I still do the toilet paper check every time. Wishing there was a way to get through these nine months. I’ve asked for tranquilizers and a labotomy, but my doctor wouldn’t budge on either one. Hang in there! I really do live for my weekly Drs appt. I hope you can get in tomorrow.
A little trick I did that was helpful- go to the bathroom in the dark or just close your eyes and just flush that damn toilet paper down with out looking at it. It sounds nuts but it really helped me.
Also, call the Doc if they can fit you in go. Good luck
Wish I had something wonderfully comforting to say, but all I can say is…it sucks to be where you’re at right now (emotionally, not the pregnant part!)and I imagine that, given your previous experience, it’s more than normal. And I’d get into the doctor as quickly as possible for a scan. Then you’ll know where you’re at and maybe that will keep your mind from going to bad places so readily. At least for a little while.
Spotting sucks all the joy out of things. I’m so sorry. I encourage you to get an u/s just for your own sanity though I’m sure that all is well since you had spotting similar to this on and off for a while now. I think you said its not a LOT, its just that- spotting. If you’re taking progesterone that could cause it, if you’re still on lovenox that can irritate things further.
I had spotting around week 9, and the doctor had said that lovenox was the culprit. So between that and the progesterone, there’s probably a very simple explanation that hopefully the doctor can provide you tomorrow.
*hugs* thinking of you.
I am so, so sorry that you are spotting and I hope it is just the lovenox or another benign reason…
Thinking of you and hope you can get in for an u/s tomorrow.
Oh, the freaking blooding/spotting… There is not a word in this world that can make you feel better, but a grainy black and white moving picture can soothe you. I had the bleeding spotting and no matter how often I heard ‘relax, it is normal, many women go through this’, surprisingly I could not relax (but I was very close to become a bare-hands-hysteric-murderer).
Go to the clinic. Get a break from the freakdoom day you’re having.
We’re virtually all hugging you right now. Hope you can feel it.
Ugh. Can’t you get some sort of special dispensation from spotting? Who do we talk to about that?
Damned spotting, so not fair, I am so sorry.
Please go early and just get checked out. A little reassurance goes a long way.
Tired of being scared, yeah, I bet you are. This sucks ass. I also wonder about the lovenox and whether this is making any small bleed big enough to detect.
I wish I were as strong as mary, peeing in the dark.
Good luck, fingers crossed, wishing you peaceful happy giddy things.
Wish it were that easy.
lovelove
Kate
Spotting really sucks. I hope it stops soon. My clinic always said they found that around half the women they treated spotted. not that it helps to know it is common.
Yuck. Hope you get a nice break very very soon.
Ugh. I wish you were spared this freaking spotting.
I am going out of my mind with my spotting, I can only imagine the fear that you are dealing with. I hope you are able to get in for a little u/s reassurance.
Susan:
The angst and the worry and the fear and the anguish are not worth NOT going in tomorrow. Go in, get reassurance that will hold you over until you need it again, whenever that might be.
It is impossible to know (and you may never actually get to know) what is causing the spotting/bleeding. I bled at 5.5 wks, 8 wks and 11 weeks and so know the fear. It’s what kept me on progesterone through 13 weeks and delayed me even chosing an OB until 14 weeks. I saw my RE every.single.week from week 6-13 and then alternated weekly from week 14-28 between my OB and peri. It’s just what I had to do to keep it together (and turned out to ultimately save my pregnancy).
GO GO GO…make haste tomorrow so that you can be released from the mental anguish and find a way to hope again.
Oh, Sproggy, I’m so sorry you’re going through so much agony with the spotting…I hear so many people talk about how normal it is but it just can’t be anything but alarming to experience it….I wish I could take it away for you…I hope you go to the clinic and get the reassurance you need to find some peace…You deserve peacefulness and calmness right now – please update us as soon as you can tomorrow.
Love,
Maddy
I am here with you. It is awful. I dread the trips to the bathroom too. I feel cramps. Every time that I wipe and see blood (which is really every) I get the panic feeling in my throat.
I am with you.
I’m so sorry you’re having to go through this…you don’t deserve this continual torture….wishing you a STOP to the spotting madness.
Yikes, sounds like its time to break out the mediatation tapes again. Beleive me, I know the sinking feeling, the horror in bathroom. I remember prayinig fervent prayers before and after wiping. Please, please, please….thank you, thank you, thank you. Logically (as a doc now) you do have lots of reasons to be spotting – the lovenox, the aspirin, the twins. However, as an IVFer s/p ED preg, it is agonizing to have spotting. I know I had it too and was on all the above plus fissh oil. It turned out that I had a placenta previa. Never caused too many probs since I delivered at 28 weeks (:)) I too visited the RE pretty much weekly as everytime I spooted it was off the clinic IMMEDIATELY to make sure all was OK. It normally happened on Sundays so they loved me. I can tell you that eventually the bleeding stops. I know these next few weeks are going to be the hardest for you. I am hoping that once you turn the corner on 10 and 11 weeks you’ll see the light. But for now, try the meditation. I prayed a lot, read the Bible, had some select verses that I carried with me which I re-read and re-read. I also did accupuncture through the second trimester and that was very helpful too. During the accupuncture I listened to the pregnancy meditation tapes and it was very calming. But by all means, go, go, go….see your babies and I’ll be praying for peace and calm for you today and throughout the rest of your pregnancy.
I’m saying a prayer that you have some peace in your heart. Bleeding is a cruelty of pregnancy especially ones that we infertiles have.
Yes, I’m commenting again
but HOPING for you so hard it hurts.
XO
kate
So sorry for the pain and the anguish and the feeling of waiting for the other shoe to drop. I wish that you could just have it the easy way. If I had the magic power you would.