Coping Mechanism
For those who asked, in my fragile little mind these days, Sprog = Pregnancy. Sprog = one of the two embryos I’m gestating. Sprog = the baby I hope to hold in another 7 months.
To answer the unspoken question, yes I will still be going through with a reduction after my scheduled CVS in another 2 weeks. One of the twins has not been doing as well as the other, and there is every possibility that the CVS will turn up a reason for this and the decision will be made for us. But I’m not about to start choosing which one I’m looking forward to a future with just yet. Hence the fact that I’m not exulting in the fact that we’ve got two heartbeats. Hence the fact that my ticker shows only one baby and not two. Hence the fact that these early ultrasounds are going straight into a box and not up on my refrigerator. I’m trying to cope with my crappy situation, folks, and this is the way I’m doing it.
Yes. This is an obvious cop out, but it’s also the only way my brain has found to cope with where I am – which is a truly shitty place to be. And I’m sorry, but I just don’t want to talk about it here, mostly because I’m getting a bit tired of explaining and justifying something that I think I did a pretty thorough job of discussing for readers’ benefits a while back, and I’m tired of the patronizing comments and emails that are still showing up, asking me if I’ve “thought this through”. This decision is hard, it’s making this pregnancy much less joyful than it should be, and it’s weighing heavily on my heart.
And I’m tired of talking about it on this blog.
So please, just take it on faith that my insomnia these days has a cause. That yes, I’m duly terrified I’m going to lose both in my efforts to make a safe environment for one. I’m aware that I’m going to hell, and that my child will hate me forever. I get it. I truly understand how you feel about my decision, but I’m quite tired of hearing about it. And you know what? This isn’t a debating forum, and I’m not a moderator. I’m someone going through something that’s horrible, and although I’ve tried to be honest about it for the sake of other women going through the same thing, I’m getting a bit tired of putting myself out there as a target for the wingnuts. Quite honestly, I’ve got enough going on in my life without inviting the crazy to come in, sit down, and have a cuppa.
So, as I’ve mentioned before, comments are not the place to ask mock-casual questions about what’s happening in the next few weeks. If I feel like sharing my experiences, you’ll be the first to know. But if this is your first time commenting, chances are good I’m not going to email you off-blog to confide in you. If we’ve built up a relationship over the last couple of years and you’ve expressed an interest, as a couple of people have, I will email you privately to let you know what’s going on. But if I have to moderate a comment because my spam filter doesn’t recognize you, chances are good you’re going to have to take what’s posted on my public site as all the information I’m choosing to give you at this time.
I’ll get back to the regularly scheduled silliness tomorrow, but thought this needed saying sooner rather than later.
I’m so sorry you’re having to deal with crazy folks, on top of everything else. Thinking of you.
Very well said, IMO. Worry about YOU, concentrate on YOU, and everyone else in the world will just have to figure it out. Sending positive thoughts your way over these next few difficult weeks.
It really sucks that people can’t just leave well enough alone.
It doesn’t need to be said but I’ll say it anyways. You have to do what’s right for you and your family – no one else. Its a hard decision to have to make and I admire the grace with which you’re making it.
We don’t have a personal relationship – only a connection through IF. But I wanted you to know I stand behind whatever decision you make, no matter what it is.
Thinking of you over the next several (difficult) weeks and hoping for a positive outcome.
Amen! That was very well said.
I’m sorry you ended up in this position to start with, and kind of hope that the CVS results make the decision for you. It’s an awful decision to have to make, but you obviously thought it through carefully and deserve to be supported. I thought it pretty amazing that you explained it so clearly to everyone a while back, when you really didn’t have to do that.
Best of luck getting through the next few difficult weeks. Hopefully after that you’ll be able to relax and enjoy a complication-free pregnancy and the birth of your long-awaited little sprog.
You are an awesome. I admire you immensely. Feel joy and spread joy in your wonderful expressive way. I hope you have a wonderful pregnant day!
You don’t have to post this but just know I’m thinking about you and your situation. I have been hoping that this decision gets made for you in some way. I can only imagine how tough it’s been.
Carla
I love reading your blog! You could write about the back of a cereal box and I would still read it. Thanks for such intelligent thoughts-
Susan,
As others have said, bravo. Well said. None of this is easy. The longer we’re in this infertility mess, the more it seems like choosing between various not-quite-what-I’d-want-to-choose-from choices. You’re coping brilliantly with a hard situation (and with crazymaking predisone on board most of the time, too.) I’m sorry you’re feeling like you have to justify yourself to anyone. You don’t. That you’ve chosen to extend yourself to the blogosphere to help others is incredible and WILL truly help people as this is something no one talks about but people face all the time. But protect yourself, take care of yourself, and take care of that sprog. thinking of you. and looking forward to seeing you and K this weekend.
Mo
I’m sorry you are dealing with this internets crap on top of everything else. You don’t have to explain anything to anyone, it is your blog. Take care of yourself, that is the most important thing!
I’m so sorry people are continuing to cause pain and grief for you. Please know that I am praying for you during this hard time. I am sure it is not easy on you. Praying for the outcome of a healthy Sprog in your arms at the end of this journey. Praying for strength for you. I am amazed by your strength. Thank you for choosing to share your journey with us.
I’m a lurker that ha commented a few times before. I just want to say I’m sorry you are in such a difficult position and you have to do what is best for you.
We have severe MF and we are blessed with a little boy and I am 26 wks with a little girl. We transferred frozen blasts for my son, but decided on 2 day 3 embryos this time around to lower the chances for twins and we still ended up with a suspected vanishing twin. When using IF treatments we all know we can end up with multiples when most people would not, therefore we have to make the best decisions for us that most people would not have to make.
You are such an amazing writer and person for letting us into your private thoughts and NO ONE should be judging or criticizing you. I wish you the best and a happy, healthy Sprog at the end of this journey!
Hear, Hear Susan…got your back on this one. Hugs too!
{hugs}
WTF – let me respond to those emails. Seriously – that pisses me off – you are an amazing person and absolutely do not have to justify or rationalize your decision to anyone – especially to people who are essentially strangers and most likely, hypocrites.
I cannot pretend to know what you are feeling – all I know is that it cannot be easy and you have all the support I can give through blogging – and if you so wish – through email and phone contact. ((HUGS))
Thank you, thank you, thank you for such a wonderful blog. My best friend turned me onto your daily details and it has been a pleasure catching up and learning about your journey. I appreciate your honesty! This is a rough road for many of us but together, by sharing stories, hardships and experiences, we will reach our destination! Congrats and I wish you nothing but happiness!
As if the position you are in isn’t crappy enough! Seriously. It goes without saying that your heart is breaking over this, and you don’t owe any of us any reasons nor do you have to prove you’re dying inside from all of this. Any reasonable person could assume you’re human and feeling what any of us would feel given the circumstances. You know I’m behind you 100%. Lots of us are. Always wishing you the best.
So sorry to hear about the continuing critical comments. That is crap. Having just been through this decision point with some similar issues to you, I can imagine what you are going through. Sending you wishes for all the strength and continued good luck you need to get through it and continue with a successful pregnancy.
Wow- that is infuriating. I understand curiosity but at the same time its YOUR blog and you can write about whatever you feel comfortable sharing. While its AWESOME that you are talking about an issue people don’t talk about and there will certainly be someone you helped feel less alone by blogging about it, its still your choice to write about what you feel comfortable and to change your mind if you don’t want to talk about it anymore.
No one is gestating your sprog but you. No one is going to raise them but you. This is your choice, your decision and other people need to leave you alone.
It’s sad that this is happening in the IF community. We have enough judgments about us, do we really need to turn on each other?
i don’t think should be vilified or feel like a bad person for what you need to do to ensure a healthy pregnancy for yourself and for your baby. im sure this was one of the most difficult decisions and that you didn’t arrive at it easily, but you are giving yourself and your thriving child a fighting chance.
please try to find some peace in your decision. people with a negative opinion can fuck off.
you are very brave for talking about this. ignore the assholes if you can.
xoxo
Its your business what you tell us and nobody else’s. Its just rude to email. You are open about many things so people should assume that if there is anything you want to tell us you will and just wait and not hound you.
It pissed me off reading some of the comments yesterday as well (are some people really that pathetic)… and I am not even you! What a shame you can’t control who gets to read your blog.
Been following you since Oct 09 and enjoy logging on and reading about you. I am 7w today (am 41) and have been terrified of the spotting etc, and you have put me at ease (as much as possible) through your experience and blogging. I hope you decide to write about the CVS as I will be enduring that in the next 5/6 weeks as well (if all goes well, I m/c oct 08 with a blighted ovum). Best of luck to you.
I just wanted to drop off a quick note to again say that I fully support and respect what you are doing. It is a difficult situation, and you have to do what is right for YOU and YOUR family. I think it was very brave of you to share your situation and decision with all of us in the first place.
Hugs to you for all you’re going through and all you’ve been through. I know the “been through” part makes this “going through” part that much sweeter and more painful at the same time.
This is your blog, your life and your choices- don’t let anyone try to tell you differently. The sharing of your journey through IF has made a difference to me. Know that we all support you and wish you and your little one well not only during this difficult time but also throughout this pregnanacy!
I’m sorry that you are getting idiotic comments and emails. I can’t even imagine how dreadfully hard all this must be. I admire your bravery so much and thank you for continuing to share your journey.
My heart goes out to you. Like you need one more reason to have your joy dimmed. Stupid “innocent” questions.
I’d imagine that there is little which could make this easier on your heart, but I hope that the CVS makes the decision clear.
You are doing what’s best for you and your family. End of story. Thank you for sharing your story with us, even if you don’t have to tell us one damn thing. I’m sending much love and support to you.
I am a new reader… and 40 and hoping to be pregnant again someday after 2 losses in the last 14 months.. and I celebrate your every post and wish you peace and love and a baby at the end of this enormously taxing, emotional roller-coaster journey. THANK YOU – for sharing your journey with all of us!
So “glad” you are still feeling heartburn! At least you know there’s life in there…I am so sorry you had such a scare with the u/s yesterday, it is a bit early for that external. I have to say that was a great moment when we could dispense with the wand!
I am just so honored to be allowed into your inner sanctum (blog) and I know you are heartily sick of discussing the reduction, but I want you to know it give me courage to do what I need to do (assuming I ever need to!). You are amazing, thanks.
I am absolutely disgusted to know you are getting these comments from people. You did a brave thing to write about difficult decisions. I know you did it to help someone who has to make their own hard decision to not feel so absolutely alone and for that good deed you are badgered by people who have to spout off their own vitriol. Gah!
If I could, I’d install a special bitch-slap key on your keyboard. Wouldn’t that be awesome?
I have felt like there was an “elephant on the blog” for a while because the references went from two to one all of the sudden. And I am not saying that you should talk about it often or at all if you don’t want to. It is completely personal and I respect that. But I think that by putting it out there to begin with you sort of open the door for people’s curiosity. I am glad that you are at least touching on it again, if only to have some information out there to help someone else who is in the same position. Maybe they will feel less alone, less scrutinized. I would think that is why you brought it up in the first place. Otherwise you would have done what you once said- doctored the images and never spoke a word of it here.
I don’t think that you should be attacked for your decision because it is very obvious from what you have written that you absolutely did not take it lightly. I’m sorry that you have to deal with that on top of everything else. I hope that those with the nasty comments and emails disappear soon!
Thank you for being open and honest. That is why I like to read your blog
I’m sorry people suck. If they don’t like what they’re reading they should just move on.
I’m so sorry for the situation you are in. Unfortunately, infertility treatments force us to go places and make decisions that no woman should have to make. I understand completely the shittiness of your situation, because I have walked in your shoes myself, with the shitty comments and all. I have commented here before, but it’s been awhile. Feel free to e-mail me if you want to know more. I too agree you are very brave to blog about any of this. Huge hugs to you!
Yeah. What you said. Your blog. You say want you want to and what you need to. I, for one, will be here following the journey…your journey. Whatever path that takes.
I’m so sorry that this is made harder by twats from the internets. Not that it matters, but I completely support any decision that YOU make in the best interests of YOUR family and hope that however that decision is made (CVS, viability whatever), it is made without too much pain and gives you peace. Looking forward to the regularly scheduled silliness, and hope that the nutters leave you on from now on …
I am very sorry you had to explain this very personal thing once more. It is YOUR life, YOUR decision to do what is best for YOU and YOUR child, fercrissake!
How can this honesty thing be a lesson children would be eager to learn when it obviously led you to a fine mess, dealing with crapola from strangers who want to impose their narrow views on everyone?
I do hope you are NOT going to talk about it any more. Not because I would not be interested to know what is going on with you, but because this is a private and very difficult personal matter that the crazy internet should not be privy to. And you cannot segregate crazy from non-crazy internauts. As long as Sprog is fine and you are fine, then everything is fine.
I hope the heartburn treats you more kindly and that you still drink lots of fluids. Stay well.
I’m only a recent reader, but I think all those people SUCK!!! Who the hell are they? I’ve said it before and will say it again. I am so grateful for your openness.
Honey, I’m sorry. So sorry. Know I am praying for peace for you. I know you want that more than anything else. I’m sorry I am so far behind ort I would have offered you warm thoughts earlier!!