Get. Over. It.
First of all, we had a marvelous time up in CT for my inlaws’ 80th birthday party. Nellie was on her best behavior, flirting with everyone & demanding love instead of hiding behind me; the Boy was in his element, surrounded by family and food and laughter; and for much of the visit I had a great time, despite the entire trip being of less than 24 hours’ duration. Sometimes short is good.
This was, however, the weekend we were going to ‘come out’ to his daughters & nieces & nephews. It’s a very close family, we see them all many times a year, and while his parents & sisters have been extraordinarily supportive of this quest-for-sprog, his sisters have been – quite rightly – anxious to be able to clue their own offspring in to the new-cousin-on-the-way thing.
But the Boy didn’t want to clue in everyone until his daughters knew. Which I understand and would normally even applaud, but remember – they ALREADY know. I think I mentioned here how youngest SD guessed when I was not drinking & having to sit out a couple of activities due to nausea back in January. And middle SD confronted her father, who admitted what was going on. But this was the official, “we’re having a baby, and it looks like it’s even going to be a live baby” talk that he wanted to have with them in person. I get that. So yesterday he took his daughters aside and told them our news. Told them that this baby had not died and that it was a boy, and that it would be here in September. Meanwhile, two of my nephews took me aside to congratulate me (proving that keeping a secret in this family is damned near impossible and should not even be attempted).
Anyway, according to the Boy, his girls took the news about as well as he’d expected, which is to say, not well at all. Apparently, their main gripe was that “Susan is stealing our thunder. Grandpa is already referring to her baby as his first great-grandchild.” followed closely by “What are we going to tell Mom? You know she always wanted a boy.”
What? What the hell?
Ok, so that rang my bells on a few different levels. First off “great grandchild?” Um no, Grandpa S! Yuck! I mean, yes, I’m younger than the Boy, but I’m not that much younger than your youngest daughter. So please, FIL, you meant it as a joke, but it obviously upset your granddaughters, and it’s creeping me out. This is your final grandchild, not your first great-grandchild.
Secondly: Get over it, girls. Since NONE of you are even engaged to be married yet, let alone expecting offspring, get over yourselves. Every baby welcomed into a household as baby-crazy as this one is going to establish its claim on perfect babyness, no matter how many babies came before or after it. And my baby isn’t going to affect the amount of love available for your eventual baby. For your sakes I’m sorry that your parents finally decided to call it quits after hating each other for way too many years. For your sakes, I’m even sorry your father fell in love with a woman who needed children of her own. But you know what? It’s the way life goes -sometimes it’s not at all how we planned it. So quit taking your own lives & favoritism-rankings so damned seriously. There’s enough love to go around in this family, and if you still feel insecure about that, after growing up with these people who worship the ground you tread upon, then you’re incredibly stupid, which is not something I would have thought of any of you.
Thirdly: Who cares what your mother thinks? If wishes could kill someone I’d already be dead for having the temerity to love the man she walked away from. She vocally despises everything about me, and you know? I don’t care. I don’t care if she doesn’t hear about Thor until the little man is in college. In fact, I’d probably feel safer that way. But regardless, this is SO not about her. Or her wishes. Or anything else related to her.
And so I say this to her, as well as to the boy’s daughters:
Get. Over. It.
Neither SD spoke to me for the rest of the visit, though the middle SD’s boyfriend came up to me as they were leaving to congratulate me – very sincerely, I might add – which meant a lot to me given that his girlfriend wasn’t even making eye contact.
Sheesh. Just when I think things are normalizing in this crazy mixed-up family, something else happens. I’ve been tolerant and tried to be understanding about how weird this situation must be to these girls. I’ve tried to put my own needs second in almost everything else. We’re still living in the city I hate. We didn’t have a family wedding in order not to make them uncomfortable. But they are grown women, for heaven’s sake. 27 & 25 years old with lives of their own. I’m tired of their histrionics, and I’m tired of dancing around their feelings when they obviously cannot be bothered to consider mine – even a little bit.
Guess what, girls? I love your father passionately, deeply, and forever-ly, and I’m better for him than your mother ever was. Guess what else, girls? Your father adores me and even after the last two years of shit, was willing to do whatever it took to give me the one thing – a family – that I needed in order to be together for the rest of our lives. Guess what, girls? Your being upset about all of this is unfortunate, but ultimately, not very important. The love your father feels for me does not diminish his feelings for you. The love he will feel for his son does not diminish how much he loves you, or how much he will love your eventual children. The fact that you, told your father that you would prefer him to be alone and unhappy just so that you could keep him all for yourself is selfish and you should be ashamed at voicing such a thought. Grow up. Get over your own self-importance. Because honestly, you’re old enough to know better. And behave better.
Argh.
Let me repeat: Get. Over. It.
wow. i am so sorry you have to deal with such immaturity. {hugs}
I know this is horrible but I am so relieved that the SS’s Mom passed away and we don’t have to deal with all the ex issues.
Oh my god those girls need a good smack up side the head for being selfish little you know whats. I hope, by the time they start their own families, that they have had to deal with at least one SO that has an ex and kids that treat them like you have been treated.
like. like times a MILLION!!!! i love that even though they’re clearly out of their mind jealous & immature like crazy, you worded it all perfectly and if you were to say those exact words to them it couldn’t even be seen as insulting
i hope things straighten out, and if not, i’m glad that you are so secure in your marriage that it just doesn’t matter anyway 
Saw your comment over at Mo’s: My DH didn’t really get invested in the pregnancy till much later on. He seemed happy when we got good NT and anatomy scan results. But when I had the early contractions, he was supportive but didn’t get as worried as I did. It wasn’t till we got past 28-30 weeks and it looked like things could turn out well, that we really had a chance, that he started reading bedtime stories to the baby and talking much to my belly. And now he just can’t stop saying how cute she is. He also seems to get offended/annoyed that I can feed her and he can’t, and that I’ve got the ultimate calming tool (my nipples). He’s great with her. I’m sure your DH will get more excited when Thor is here, at the very least.
So sorry you had to deal with such crap reactions from SDs. Not that it wasn’t expected, but geez. I’ll admit that I was relieved to find out that my Dad got a vasectomy when he was in a relationship with the woman who became my stepmother, because I’m a little insecure and didn’t want him loving their baby more than me and my brother. But I’d like to think that I’d at least have kept those thoughts to myself if they had had a kid together, and could have been big enough to say congrats (before heading off and whining to DH or my friends, who’d all tell me I was being a selfish bitch). Hope they come around. And who gives a shit what their Mom thinks, especially about it being a boy? If she’d wanted one that desperately, she should have just had a few more kids!
You tell ‘em. They sound like they need to grow up!
I agree with pp! I would expect such behavior from teenagers or even young adults, but 25/27 is old enough to act properly…
well crap, SB, any way you can come out to everyone else so you can at least get some sugar with that whiney bullshit? they ALREADY KNEW. this was not new news, and therefore this is manipulative bullshit.
now, that being said, when my dad left my mom and started dating, I was in my late 20s and in grad school, living far from home. One could argue: adultish. But I did say to him that if he dated anyone CLOSE to my agegroup I did not want to know about it ever. It never crossed my mind he could have more kids, and if it had, I know I would have freaked out. I already felt left (even though I was out of the house) and then i would have felt replaced (which I know is not true but that is how it would have felt)– so
while the daughters are being totally shitty, they may be working out some other bullshit from the divorce and a whole lot of uncertainty about where they’ll stand since they are not in the house with you two to share the love in the immediate sense anymore.
this does not excuse bad behavior! trust me, I know. I am not proud of how I felt or what I said either.
but, if your darlin spends some time making sure they feel loved once the baby comes (with luck He’ll be easy like you were, or it is so cool to see this again since I enjoyed it so much when you…. and it reminds me of when you were little too…) maybe…?
in the meantime, open yourself up to as much positive as possible, letting in the good stuff with open arms, and realize that this, ALL OF THIS BULLSHIT is not about you.
But this baby? THOR? This is all about you and your darlin and and love.
I hope they come to realize there is plenty of love to go around.
but what gets me truly is that they already knew.
they already knew. so what the fucking fuck? (she said gently).
ok, enough soap box ranting.
I am sorry for YOU that this weekend held this as well and the good stuff.
You did not need it, you don’t, and while there are hazards in every family, I hate seeing certain stuff play out like this. At least the one boyfriend was human enough for well deserved sincere congratulations.
Because sincerely? CONGRATULATIONS!
OMG – I can’t believe you have to deal with this shit from girls who are ALMOST 30. I thought they were much younger…late teens or so. How dare them. Their behavior is totally inexcusable and disgusting. It’s bad enough we have to deal with crazy ex-wives when we married the love of our lives, but for you to deal with their shitty offspring is just awful. I’m very sorry for you. Hopefully they’ll get over themselves one day.
That really sucks…they really need to get over themselves. So sorry you have to deal with that.
My 20 year old stepson has been great – he helps feed the babies, I have caught him hugging and kissing them when he thinks no one is watching!
I’m sorry you’re still having to deal with this. I can only echo what you’ve already been told and already know. Enjoy every minute of this and don’t let anyone give you one moment of pause.
They don’t seem very peaceful. Probably best to bask in the glory (for lack of a better way of putting it) of this hard-earned pregnancy and savor all of the moments you don’t have to be around these people. I’m guessing they’ll eventually move onto their own dissatisfaction(s) with their own lives.
Anyway, can they write like you?
Indeed not.
They sound a little too dependent on others, and definitely could use a little more growing up. They are, of course, entitled to whatever they think, but if they’re going to be dragons about it, they should at least keep it to themselves. Goodness knows when I have selfish thoughts, I know enough to keep it to myself!
Good for you for saying what you did. Don’t you wish you could tell them that directly? Granted, sounds as though it would be wasted on them anyhow, and if DH said anything, that would likely makes things worse instead of better. I just can’t understand still being jealous at the age of 25. And blending families shouldn’t be so darned hard when they’re already out of the house!
First, I do hope you got some measure of relief being able to post this and send it out to the universe.
Second, forgive me being late to the party once again, but I did not know that dear SDs were ADULTS! And, I don’t mean the 18 year old variety of adult, I mean ADULT ADULTS as in, after 21, it doesn’t get much more adult-y than that. Wow.
Third, there must be some pay-off for them to be able to act this way. No judgement, just something to be aware of (and that simply could be pushing your buttons, or getting attention from their dad, or whatever).
Finally, you could not be more right that Thor is about YOU, your HUSBAND, and the life and family you decided to create together. And, while I know you will continue to work toward fostering as good a step-family situation as possible, everyone else, with a less than appropriate reaction can STEP OFF!
As Bon Qui Qui would said, “Rude!”
Get. Over. It. Amen.
I must admit that I do find the stories of the step-daughters fascinating because my father is remarried to a woman who is closer to my age than my mom’s age and at the time that they got together I was concerned that they would have more kids (I was 17 at the time). They didn’t and that ship has sailed, but I can admit, now, over here from my current non-step-sibling, much older and wiser position that I would not have handled it well. But I can also read about your SDs and think “good lord, but at least I would not have handled it like THAT!”
I am sorry that they are depriving you, Thor and the boy of the chance to celebrate openly with extended family. I guess its working in your favor at least that no one can keep a secret.
I hope middle SD’s boyfriend eventually rubs off on her.
I’m too lazy to read the other comments (as per usual!), but uh, I really hope your husband gives them a speech like this. This is UNACCEPTABLE behavior from them at these ages. I’m having a lot of super nanny feelings right now. Yeesh.
I would understand their feelings if they were still children. My dad married and had a baby with another women, and I had a very hard time with it, but I was TEN. These women are of marrying and child-bearing age. How immature can they be???? I suppose there is nothing you can do but hopefully your husband can give them the extra fatherly love that they desire.
They just need to get over themselves and stop being selfish. I am sorry you have to deal with this crap.
Focus on Thor and the Boy. Sorry the SDs are so jealous – they will come around eventually. Perhaps their own lives are just not the way they wish and so your happiness underlines the fact that they are LOSERS! Sorry, I’m sure they are lovely people in some ways. Good luck – and I’m so glad you are in the position to have jealous SDs!
25 & 27? Really? From all the things you’ve said of them, I had them pegged for about 15 & 17. Yikes. Ummm, really, why do they even care who their father loves? They should be pursuing their own marriage and children, not worried about their dad’s.
Plus, I have a feeling when Thor arrives, they’ll fall so head over heels in love with him that they’ll think the whole thing was their idea in the first place. Maybe that’s optimistic of me, but who can resist cute babyness?
Those girls need to grow up. I can see just about see why they are behaving badly but really they need to deal with it and be happy.
I’m sorry
That sucks.