Oh wow.
So I’m accumulating quite the pile o’ baby gear in the corner of my crowded bedroom, which is good because – hey! Last half of June! But which is bad because hey! Last half of June & we’ve still made not move #1 towards converting the Boy’s office into a baby room.
And of course, I say “We’ve” but I mean “He’s” because there’s no way I’m schlepping his books & desk & bookshelves &c. up two flights of stairs. So I can’t really complain that he’s not doing this on my schedule.
But still. I want to decorate, damn it.
I read a horrifying article online yesterday about how children born of sperm donors have horrifyingly high rates of depression, substance abuse, and other symptoms of feelings of alienation – much higher than adopted children, even. This wigged me out to no end, and I’ve spent the last, approximately 24 hours rationalizing to myself how Thor will know from the beginning, and we’ll be upfront with him and he’ll always know he was so very loved that he won’t care and ohmygodwhatifheCARES? Of course, this study was conducted by a “focus on the family” type place, and I should ignore it because they’re biased and their interpretations of survey data looked wonky just from the (skewed) article, but still. Whatifhecares?WhatifThorhatesme?Ack!
Minor freak out. I’ll get over it just as soon as I order another gentle “you are a very special baby” book dealing with DE off Amazon.
Thor’s still kicking up a storm, somersaulting and ka-powing my bladder at odd times of the day & night. I’m starting to get pissed off at the back pain, because other than the fact that I’m sort of chair-bound, I’m loving this stage of pregnancy. I’m big, but not huge. I’m unwieldy, but not immobile. I’m aware of him, but not unpleasantly so. I know these things will change. But at the moment, (at least when I’m sitting down,) pregnancy is pretty ok.
And the payoff? The payoff in less than three months?
Oh wow.
I looked into that too, it seems that the kids who don’t have a father in their life AND had an anonymous sperm donor have it the worst. Our plan from the beginning was that our donors had to be open to being contacted (since we’re using both), and I’m just going to put my fingers in my ears and sing lalalalala until the kid freaks out about it! Ok, that’s bull, I’ll be writing up a storm about it, but I am also just going to let myself repress a bit.
I looked up that article because we are on the waiting list for donor embryos and are not doing donor embryo adoption, but donation. So there will be no contact, it will be totally anonymous.
It seems to me that their agenda is pretty transparent, and I am sure that their study was designed to reflect that. Their next to the last paragraph states “To prevent causing further harm, we must eliminate the possibility of people coming into the world through sperm and egg donations, said Fr. Berg. This will require an entire change of mindset, as society must “rediscover the genuine God-given meaning of sexuality, marriage and family.”
To me that means we must deny life unless it meets their definition, something I am not willing to do. I also think that we all go through our own existential crisis and perhaps for some children it does center upon the genetic traits of their biological father. I think a more valid study should have a control group as well and a group that has had no contact with their biological father through either death or divorce. That would be a valid study.
That article totally had an agenda. Research was from a very dubious source. Do you belong to PVED? (Parents Via Egg Donation) The moderator, Marna, has told some wonderful stories of how her son talks about his conception. Hearing about egg donor parents who are anxious about discussing it with their child, he brushed if off, saying, “What’s the big deal, it’s just a few cells.” The story that really touched me, was when discussing the long process (failed cycles, miscarriages, I think) to his conception, Marna’s son gave her a big hug and said, “I’m sorry it was so hard for you, mom.”
Also, have you seen this?
Umm, okay. That’s a study I will not be reading. I’d guess, though, that the issue is the use of sperm donors when it’s kept a secret or is somehow shameful. I’ve got a six-year-old conceived via donor sperm and she’s happy as a clam NOT TO HAVE A DAD. She’s known the story of her conception for years, and it’s a story of how much she was wanted. Everything I’ve read–and I’ve done quite a bit of actual sociological research on families–indicates that it’s socio-economic issues, not number of parents or means of conception, that ups the risk of depression, drug use, etc.
Will it be Sept 10th and then our babies will share birthdays
Wow… 3 more months! Awesome!!!
THREEEEE MONTHS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! sooooo psyched for you!!!
They have kids books covering de? That is awesome.
THREE MONTHS?! OMG! Where has the time gone…Sorry I’ve been MIA. Buried under a pile of burpies and nappies. But I’m getting back in the game now. Congrats on your third trimester!
PS – I love the highchair you chose.
yaya for baby gear! Our dining room is filled with baby stuff – the table has been pushed in a corner!!!
BTW, Thor is going to adore you and what you tell him and how is your business!!!
Hmmm. I’m not sure what I’m about to say will be helpful or even relevant, but…I really think personality and presentation has so much to do with it. I’ve never met my biological father. When I was 2, my mom married a man who subsequently adopted me. I didn’t know he wasn’t my biological father until they divorced when I was 8.
In all my 34 years, I have never had negative feelings towards my biological father nor have I had any feelings of abandonment or “daddy” issues. What I did resent was the way in which all of it was handled, and the fact that I was lied to.
As a side note, my current stepfather, who came into the picture when I was 14 and has been the most loving and invested parent I’ve had my whole life, he’s the one I’m the most connected to. Biology schmology.
If you love Thor like I know you will, you’ll be sittin’ pretty. The only thing I would say is, if you’re going to tell, integrate it from the beginning like it’s no big deal, or don’t tell at all. Lots of people wouldn’t agree with me, but having been on the receiving end of it, either of those would have been my preference over what I got.
yaya for baby gear! Our dining room is filled with baby stuff – the table has been pushed in a corner!!!
BTW, Thor is going to adore you and what you tell him and how is your business!!!