Exhaustion. (And a tiny bit of fear.)
I’ll be the first to admit that I’m starting to get a bit nervous about delivery. Why? Because I’m not nervous about delivery and never have been.
Makes no sense? Well, I also completely dismissed complaints about the discomforts of pregnancy, and you know what? This ‘creating a human being’ shit is kicking my dimpled, cellulite-ridden ass.
I feel pretty fortunate that the two things that I thought were going to be with me til the end – heartburn & SI pain – have instead been intermittent offenders in the ‘make Sprogblogger miserable’ campaign. I feel weirdly fortunate that being on supplemental progesterone, steroids, DHEA, whathaveyou, all those months pre-this-pregnancy got me fairly used to having my sleep interrupted. If this were the first time in my life I was experiencing the joy of trying to function on 4+ hours of sleep a night (and only 2 hours of contiguous sleep) I’d be pretty bummed out. As it is, at least I know I’ll survive – just not at my best or brightest.
But seriously – the fact that it’s the hottest summer on record in NYC is making it harder, and the fact that I’ve never had much tolerance for heat + humidity. Seriously, folks, I grew up in a place where summer temps often reached 110*, and 6 months at a time where the temp got over 100* every day was not an uncommon occurrence. And I always hated people – transplants from humid climes, usually – who’d downplay it, saying, “Well, at least it’s a dry heat!” But it was. And humid heat just plain sucks. Sweating doesn’t help cool you down (which is a shame, because I can sweat up a storm!) and it usually gets hotter after dark, which is just wrong. And window air conditioners? Well, they don’t work all that well. And they’re noisy. Let’s just say that the most comfortable I get these days is riding the subway, because my belly guarantees me a seat, and the air conditioning is pretty damned effective on the trains.
And it’s harder work moving this body around than I ever thought it would be. I figured, “Hell! I’ve gained 25 pounds during ART treatments, and I’m still relatively graceful. How much different can pregnancy be?”
Hah.
That kid is solid. Leaning over to grab something from the floor when I’m sitting down? There’s nowhere for that baby to go. So my bend gets halted midway there. Moving past people? Besides the fact that I’m paranoid someone’s going to accidentally elbow The Belly or The Boobs, I just don’t move the way I’m used to moving. In real life, I turn sideways to get through tight places. Nowadays? That’s not such an effective maneuver. And then there’s the waddling. Now, I’m nowhere near as bad as I was when the pain was at its worst. But graceful, I am not. Not unless you think ducks have an attractive walking gait. My hips simply don’t function the way they always have, and it’s weird, knowing I’m walking so poorly, but being unable to correct myself.
So, it’s obvious to me that I was wrong about how hard pregnancy is. Which informs me that I’m probably wrong about my vaunted high pain tolerance, as well as my ability to cope with fear and biologically mandated behavior. Which tells me that no matter how much my brain insists that labor is natural, I’ve helped dozens of goats & sheep & dogs & cats give birth, that this is something I can do without being afraid, a bit of fear has definitely started creeping in. Because really, if I was this wrong about pregnancy, I’m so going to be screaming for an epidural when labor begins.
Sounds like the reason a lot of people get a doula–someone whose been through it to reassure and guide you. You’ve been a goat doula!
S, I don’t think all the reading/talking in the world can prepare you adequately for what it *feels* like to be pregnant, or to give birth to a child, or raise one, for that matter. But I agree with Sarah about the doula as a way to help you through the delivery. My own story is textbook: early induction that I didn’t want (when your doctor starts saying “increased risk of stillbirth” you do what she says), complete and total freakout about hospitalized birth/induction, long stalled out labor, followed by (eventual) epidural and c-section. I’m still (6 years later) angry about a lot of it, but the one thing I could have controlled better was my response to the situation. I’m sure the fact that I didn’t want to give birth in that environment created a situation where I literally *couldn’t* give birth in that environment. Sorry…getting longwinded. But I think at least talking to a doula about your anxieties, even if you choose not to use one, is probably a good thing going in…
I agree with this post on so many levels
(a) About the NYC heat?? I live in Queens, so I know exactly what you mean. Last July it didn’t even hit 90 once! It’s sad that I can’t wait to get to work because their A/C is super strong.
(b) I am starting to get scared about labor & delivery, when before I kind of brushed it off. Just like I thought pregnancy would be a breeze once I got there. Ummm, yeah, not so much.
Are you having a natural birthing experience (i.e. outside of the hospital)? If so, I’ve heard that is far better (as you know from having watched the business of being born). If not, then I shall refrain from comment except to say that the child you get at the end is worth it
It’s okay to get an epidural if you want one. Contrary to all the scary stories you hear, mine went in on the first stick and worked perfectly. When it was decided that I needed a c-section, all they had to do was top it off with more medication. Afterwards, again contrary to scary stories, I had no residual aftereffects at all. Just a beautiful, healthy baby, born painlessly. I held her within 5 minutes of her arrival in the world, and was nursing her in the recovery room about a half hour later. C-section recovery was not bad at all. Recovering from the foot surgery I had 4 weeks later was much harder.
It will be okay. Thor’s coming soon!!!
I’m sure you’ve seen…
http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=128651136
Oh and I second Dora- I loved my epidural. What I hated was my OB and how things were handled there- but hopefully you won’t have that problem with your awesome OB
http://www.amazon.com/Ina-Mays-Guide-Childbirth-Gaskin/dp/0553381156/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1279751364&sr=8-1
I read Ida May’s Guide to Childbirth in my first trimester with my first child. I was on a plane flying cross country and by the time we landed I went from “Just Put Me Under And Wake Me When It’s Over” frightened to “I Am Woman Hear Me Roar And Watch Me Give Birth Naturally!!” It is an incredibly powerful book that is empowering.
I’ll be honest and upfront and admit that pregnancy ended in an emergency c-section with a stuck ten pound baby. As everyone said it isn’t the delivery that ultimately matters, it’s the take home baby that matters. They were right.
I felt so horrible when I complained about the horrors of pregnancy – after all, we worked so hard and my whole world was wrapped up in achieving it – but it is hard. So hard. I am not going to tell you it is worth it – you know that – but I will tell you to vent away – it helps me.
I feel the same way about motherhood – it is the most awesome thing I have ever experienced and these two are the most fascinating people to ever exist – but it is hard – one of my colleagues described it as the trifecta of guilt – shitty mom, shitty wife, shitty attorney. I honestly only feel like a shitty wife and a shitty attorney – I have to say that the mothering part is the best and I crave it and them and live to mother them…
I had lunch with two pregnant friends and was telling them about the horrors of post-partum – and one of my favorite parts was the ice pack maxi pad – yes, a giant maxi pad that is actually an ice pack…tuck’s…cortisone cream…and I was like, “wait, this is supposed to be magical…” jut to get a laugh out of them – and it was still magical, even when I was wearing the ice pack maxi pad, the tuck’s and the cortisone cream! I am so happy that you get to experience your own magic!
Labour can be tough and it certainly hurts but you honestly do forget the pain. Not that you forget that you had the pain but more what exactly it felt like. And there is no shame in an epidural just like there are no extra points in the motherhood stakes for not having one. You do what you have to.