1.  Feel better this morning. Really better. Which feels really good. The cake was tasty, too.

2.  Hen showed off for our friends, but also gave me a lot more stealth-hugs than usual. He’s into full on All-Mama-All-The-Time mode, which I know is a phase that I should be helping him to overcome, but it’s so touching when he gives me hugs out of the blue that it’s hard to discourage him from that.

3.  Would you believe that Target of all places sells decent bratwurst? I know! We’ve been having the hardest time finding good brats up here, and out of desperation, I decided to give Target’s home brand a try.  They were good! Who knew!?

4.  A slow day with nothing much planned. Despite last night’s good night’s sleep, this sounds like it’s just about my speed. A bit of grocery shopping, a bit of vacuuming, it’ll all be good.

5.  I laughed last night until my head hurt. Which wasn’t fun in & of itself, but the stories! OMG! Funny people just astonish me, and our friend is one of the funniest human beings alive, and she’s like that all the time.  She reduced me to tears of glee, literally holding my stomach and moaning because I’d laughed too hard.  I don’t know when I did that last…

1. It looks like I will not, after all, die puking, though it felt like it was a close thing, a few times. Also, you know, instant weight loss! Yay! I’d say that was the easiest 7 pounds I ever lost, except, yeah, not really. Being sick is awful, and I’m a bit of a baby anyway.

The good things? How delicious cool water tasted. How wonderfully warm, the dog against my cold, cold feet. How marvelously competent and take-charge the boy was, sending me to bed and taking care of our little germ factory all day long.

2. First Gymboree class was a raging success, though it cut into his naptime, so I think I’ll try a different time/day, but the basic class? He would like to do that every day.

3. The Boy is making chocolate cake for a houseguest with a serious weakness for chocolate. To me it just sounds like the perfect way to regain that 7 pounds…

4. The snow blowing off trees is rather beautiful, even if it does make for somewhat hazardous driving conditions.

5. Speaking of, the roads weren’t as bad as I’d feared this morning,and the de-over worked wonders on the inch-thick ice on our sloped walk out to the driveway. Honestly, it was like walking down a playground slide this morning. On hockey skates.

1.  It was pretty fun being in NH for the primaries, even if it DID mean we got called by Ron Paul-bots on average of 6 times a night.  I voted, though not for Ron Paul. Did you know there were something like 25 Democratic candidates on the ballot? Felt like President Obama deserved a vote of confidence from chilly NH.  Also, driving in, it was also rather nice to see the Obama supporters and the Romney supporters sharing an umbrella outside the polling station.  If only Congress could be so cordial.

2.  Love the photo transfer app.  Thank you!

3.  Amazon sent me a new Kindle to replace my screen-dead one for $40.  Yeah, it’s not the latest model, but it’s a lot later than my 2nd generation.  And they did it with absolute efficiency, too.  Say what you want about Amazon (and my husband, who HATES the company, will tell you plenty!) but they know how to do customer service right, and to my mind, that’s worth some serious loyalty on my part.  Thanks, Amazon!

4.  Gymboree class rescheduled for Friday. Let’s hope the boychick is back to his usual boisterous self by then.

5.  From having to scramble for books to read that I hadn’t read in a while, I suddenly have a to-be-read pile that’s threatening to fall on me and crush me.  Rather nice to be swimming in new books for a change! Love Christmas!

1. Henry’s audition for the role of demon-possessed, effluvia-spewing, Linda Blair stand-in went well–he took the employees at Target by storm!–but I think he’s decided to hold off on beginning his acting career with such a demanding part.

Seriously, yesterday was awful. Much vomiting and sad baby-ness. He never really even spit up as a baby, so the whole puking thing just scared the shit out of him (and me). Glad he’s better today.

2. Hot wheels cars are awesome. Seriously, there’s one shaped like a stylized alligator. How cool is that?

3. I’d forgotten how much I like steel cut oats. And oatmeal with almond milk is just plain delicious.

4. There is something just wonderful about reading books with Hen. Granted, his idea of great literature is rather heavier on monster trucks than orcs, but the love of books? I think he gets it and that just warms my heart even as we read Machines at Work for the umpteenth time.

5. Playing with pots this morning as I stumbled around the kitchen making coffee, Henry managed to carry the cast iron pan across the room in one hand before I rescued the pan (and his toes). Kid’s pretty strong.

1. Despite–or more likely, because of–a night straight out of the “1 week postpartum wake up schedule”, Henry slept til after eight this morning. I desperately needed that extra hour and so, I’d guess, did he.

2. Going to the store in search of materials to make a proofing box for bread baking (styrofoam cooler, 15-watt bulb light fixture, thermometer, etc.) I’m looking forward to starting my new sourdough culture and baking again. I’ve missed that ritual these last few years.

3. Hen’s starting to try out some of the more difficult sounds. ‘Cheese’ comes out more like “djesssssshhhh” but he’s working on it.

4. Playing an iPhone scrabble game with a friend from Brooklyn and its rather addictive. I love word games but the Boy’s such a sore loser that we agreed to stop playing years ago. So I’m really enjoying getting to play my favorite game again with someone who enjoys playing and not just winning!

5. Henry’s sister is coming for a visit this weekend and I’m so looking forward to it. He’s so lucky to have sisters who love him so much & who make room for a toddler in their really busy lives. And I’m so lucky, too. They could have chosen to keep their distance, and none of them have. So my little “only child” has siblings, albeit siblings who are a good deal older than him. I shouldn’t be surprised that The Boy’s daughters are wonderful;
after all, he’s pretty wonderful, himself.

1.  Yesterday’s “meet-up” with MeKate & a couple of her friends was lovely. Had such a good time, enjoyed the company of other moms & toddlers so much–I really do need to make some local friends so that Henry can enjoy the company of kids as much as he enjoys the company of adults. (Plus there was pumpkin bread.  Yum!)

2.  Although waking up to a dead furnace was a bummer, having the gas company actually show up to fix it before noon was lovely. And the cold house was the needed impetus for me to go buy a couple of little electric heaters, since this is the second time this has happened this winter.  Old house + Oil heat = lots & lots of issues.

3.  Henry was so worn out from yesterday’s excitement that he fell asleep in the car on the way home (<10 minutes) from the grocery store.  He sleepily drank some warm milk (which I gave him as much to keep him warm in the cold house as to feed him) and then stayed mostly asleep while I put him to bed.  Yay for the magical powers of a warm car on a cold toddler!

4.  It’s a stroganoff night tonight.  Warm, hearty, noodly.  Yum.

5.  Very clear and crisp outside, today. The sky is very blue, and distinct somehow. Like an entity instead of just a backdrop for everything.  And although I was planning to wait until the first big snow to fill birdfeeders, the chickadees clinging to the windowsill this morning may have convinced me otherwise.  Happy winter, birdies!

1.  A good friend’s birthday is today and I’ve been thinking about her & her struggles to become a mother.  Wishing with every candle on the cake that this is her year for fulfilled wishes.  Because really, it’s time, Universe!

2.  Good local (well, 20 minutes away, but more local than, say, Queens) Indian food.  My cup runneth over with lassi.

3.  The wee dictator slept for 3 hours yesterday. Well, at least he was in his room with the lights off for three hours.  We still need some work on the ‘not waking up, wailing, needing a mama-shoulder to get back to sleep on’ project, but it’s coming along.  Yay for more regular sleep patterns!

4.  I’ve signed Hen up for a Gymboree class next week.  We’ll see how it goes.  The Boy is concerned that, unlike his Brooklyn daughters, Henry is not seeing other kids his age every day.  He’s still not going to see them every day, but this way at least he has a chance of seeing some other kids before springtime when the playground will be an appealing afternoon option again.

5.  Watched Bridesmaids last night and enjoyed the hell out of it.  Love funny women talking about the things that women talk about and making it be funny even while it’s painfully honest.  Want Kristen Wiig for my BFF.

1. Constellation tortoise has changed my life–well, all of our lives–for the better. Henry had another rough night. He’s getting his fourth molar, and teething always seems to make him prone to diaper rash and, well, it was just a bad night. He was up at 10:30 and by midnight he was wide awake and ready to play.

I was not.

Cue tortoise music (whatever that would be. Bassoons? Bass trombones?). I put him down, asked him to play quietly with Tortoise til he got tired. And he did. And then played with him again when he woke up this morning.

Either that or he never went to sleep at all, just spent 7.5 hours turning the stars on and off. Green to blue to orange and back again. I love Tortoise.

2. The Boy is taking the boychick to his high school this afternoon to watch a swim meet where one of Hen’s cousins is competing. What this means for me is FREE TIME. Baby free time to be exact. I plan to conquer the world. I’ll let you know how that goes.

3. Henry has a curl at the very nape of his neck. Child needs a haircut–his first–in the worst way, but I can’t bear the thought of losing that perfect curl.

4. Nellie has been trying to induce the Roomba to play with her. And as a result we’re looking at finding her a whippet companion. Anyone know of a sight hound in a rescue situation in the NE?

5. Watching Henry color with crayons is a blast. Ok, so maybe I’m not watching so much as helping. Ok, maybe it’s not helping as much as it is coloring right alongside him. Have to set a good coloring example you know!

1. Cooking my husband’s favorite meals is so very rewarding that I know the admission of this pegs me for ’1950s hausfrau of the year’, but it really is nice when he vocally appreciates the effort that goes into getting dinner on the table. Of course, this does not stop me from insisting on using him as a guinea pig for new recipes more often than he’d like. But then, he’s the one who bought me a gift for Xmas titled 500 Curries, so it’s not entirely my fault.

2. The roomba is scarily awesome. It vacuums under the bed.  I can be down entertaining the baby while it’s chugging away upstairs.  I love the roomba. I hate that I love it so much, but I do.

3. I have friends coming over this weekend, we’re expecting house guests next Friday, and then I think Hen’s big sister is coming to visit for a few days. All fun things to look forward to!

4. Hard cider. I like it at room temp, which makes it an acceptable drink for cold nights. While I might prefer to be sipping nog, I cut myself off at the end of December and am sticking to that resolution no matter what. I don’t really need the caloric equivalent of another dinner in my evening sip.  Cider is a poor second, but I’m not in a wine mood these days and yet I really am enjoying my post-breastfeeding alcohol! Between the IVFs, pregnancy, and nursing, that was a long dry spell…

5.  Ok, this one sounds hokey and it’s certainly not at all small, but it’s absolutely true: Every morning when I wake up, and go get Henry out of bed and he’s alive and healthy and happy (or even just the important one of the three) I thank every listening deity for the fact that this is my life and for being allowed to live in it another day.

I don’t necessarily think of myself as being scarred from those awful years of IF & loss, but I do think that a part of me (a teeny part, but it’s there nevertheless) expects to wake up one morning and find that my life of the last year and a half has been a dream. Or that something awful must have happened while I was obliviously sleeping. And every morning that nothing bad has happened, I feel grateful–viscerally grateful, like a punch in the pit of my stomach (only without the vomiting or intense pain).

Henry had a rough day yesterday–something going on with his tummy, because he wasn’t hungry & was just low-level cranky and had a hard time settling down to sleep in the evening–which is all unusual for him, but really, no biggie. It’s been 8 days since his MMR vaccination, so I just put his unhappiness down to a mild reaction to the shot and checked on him before I went to bed to make sure that he wasn’t spiking a fever.  And then I lay there in bed & worried. I dreamt of all the bad things that can happen to children, but despite the dreams, I still managed to sleep til 7am–and I had expected he’d be fussing throughout the night & I’d be up with him. So my first reaction upon waking peacefully wasn’t quiet happiness at such a good night’s sleep, but rather a bit of fear that I hadn’t heard a peep from him, not so much as a sleepy whimper when he shifted position (and yes, I have ‘mom ears’ & I CAN hear that from two rooms away!)

So I threw on my clothes and hurried into his room. He was sitting up in bed, happily playing with his constellation tortoise on his lap. When I opened the door, he smiled at me, said ‘Mama!’ and held it out to me, so we could play together. And I took a deep breath, and swallowed my tears & my fears and held out my arms and we turned the tortoise on & off, changed the colors from green to blue to orange until he tired of that game. And then we started our day for real.

I am so lucky. So blessed. So overwhelmingly appreciative of the grace that has fallen into my life in the form of this little boy.  And it’s not a small thing at all, being happy and knowing myself to be so happy that my only complaint is this constant fear that something will happen to take this away. Because that kind of a smack-upside-the-head feels like it must be inevitable, and I am just waiting for it because I’m not used to being lucky. Or blessed. Or happy.

And it’s a bit terrifying to know, in amongst all the wonder and joy, how very much I have to lose now. And maybe, it’s even scarier to realize how very hard it is to STOP thinking about my life in terms of what could go wrong instead of remembering to dwell instead on how everything is–right now at least–so very right with my world.

And now I’m going to go have some coffee and take another deep breath.  And then another.  And then another.

1. Henry is finally learning a bit of healthy fear, and while I wish he hadn’t had to hurt himself to pick up this life lesson I’m also really glad that it wasn’t worse than it was.

He fell a few days ago and it hurt enough that he cried for more than one verse of “you are my sunshine”–something he’s never done before. A bruise and a scrape and, I think, a headache. And now he’s much more cautious when running downhill or standing up under tables.

Part of me is sorry to see that completely fearless little boy learn the harsh lesson that sometimes you get hurt, but the responsible mommy in me is just relieved it didn’t take a broken bone for him to learn a modicum of caution.

2. I’m going to miss the Xmas tree when I take it down in a couple of days. Henry is completely enamored of it & we go into the living room several times a day to look at the lights & examine ornaments up close. Such a fun, inquisitive age this is!

3. I have a new sourdough culture arriving in the mail soon. Very excited to see how it differs from ones I’ve used before.

4. Ok, this is embarrassing to admit, but we asked for a “robot vacuum” for Xmas because my irregular efforts at keeping the kitchen/high chair area clean were just not cutting it. And with a baby who’s scared of the vacuum cleaner it was just getting harder & harder to get him out of the house with his dad to clean as often as the floor really needed it.

So we bought a roomba and so far? So far it’s awesome. Does just what it’s supposed to do and it’s quiet enough to run while Henry is asleep. Love. Clean. Floors.

Plus, you know, it’s sort of like living in an episodes of The Jetsons. Which is always a good thing.

5. God it’s fun watching the baby turn into a (mostly) rational human being. He can tell me when he’s hungry or thirsty, needs a clean diaper or just wants a snuggle. Not having to guess at what he wants makes everything south easier–not to mention more fun.

Because watching his sense of humor develop is just plain awe inspiring. Certain words can produce giggles, and when he’s already being silly he’ll say giggly words (‘home depot’ being a good example) because of course he assumes that EVERYONE finds the word as funny as he does. So cute I fall over laughing just at his expectation that he’s being funny