To answer the unspoken question, yes I will still be going through with a reduction after my scheduled CVS in another 2 weeks.  One of the twins has not been doing as well as the other, and there is every possibility that the CVS will turn up a reason for this and the decision will be made for us.  But I’m not about to start choosing which one I’m looking forward to a future with just yet.  Hence the fact that I’m not exulting in the fact that we’ve got two heartbeats.  Hence the fact that my ticker shows only one baby and not two.  Hence the fact that these early ultrasounds are going straight into a box and not up on my refrigerator.  I’m trying to cope with my crappy situation, folks, and this is the way I’m doing it.

Yes.  This is an obvious cop out, but it’s also the only way my brain has found to cope with where I am – which is a truly shitty place to be.  And I’m sorry, but I just don’t want to talk about it here, mostly because I’m getting a bit tired of explaining and justifying something that I think I did a pretty thorough job of discussing for readers’ benefits a while back, and I’m tired of the patronizing comments and emails that are still showing up, asking me if I’ve “thought this through”.  This decision is hard, it’s making this pregnancy much less joyful than it should be, and it’s weighing heavily on my heart.

And I’m tired of talking about it on this blog.

So please, just take it on faith that my insomnia these days has a cause.  That yes, I’m duly terrified I’m going to lose both in my efforts to make a safe environment for one.  I’m aware that I’m going to hell, and that my child will hate me forever.  I get it.  I truly understand how you feel about my decision, but I’m quite tired of hearing about it.  And you know what?  This isn’t a debating forum, and I’m not a moderator.  I’m someone going through something that’s horrible, and although I’ve tried to be honest about it for the sake of other women going through the same thing, I’m getting a bit tired of putting myself out there as a target for the wingnuts.  Quite honestly, I’ve got enough going on in my life without inviting the crazy to come in, sit down, and have a cuppa.

So, as I’ve mentioned before, comments are not the place to ask mock-casual questions about what’s happening in the next few weeks.  If I feel like sharing my experiences, you’ll be the first to know.  But if this is your first time commenting, chances are good I’m not going to email you off-blog to confide in you.   If we’ve built up a relationship over the last couple of years and you’ve expressed an interest, as a couple of people have, I will email you privately to let you know what’s going on.  But if I have to moderate a comment  because my spam filter doesn’t recognize you, chances are good you’re going to have to take what’s posted on my public site as all the information I’m choosing to give you at this time.

I’ll get back to the regularly scheduled silliness tomorrow, but thought this needed saying sooner rather than later.